> it may be worth considering non-rational, transcendent experience as a fundamental psychological need.

This speaks to me for sure...

Ever since I was little, I've had trouble identifying with humanity. Even though I was born into this body, I never really identified with it, never really felt like that was "me".

I wanted fantasy instead, I wanted to be a creature instead, something with fur and paws and a tail. It's gone far enough that I have DID and multiple such creatures live in my head with me.

But I can't have it. I don't hallucinate. I don't even dream of creatures, not even daydreams. I only dream of humans. I only dream of reality. My dreams aren't an escape from anything, they are just more of the same. My imagination isn't an escape from anything, because it's not real. It doesn't look real, it doesn't feel real. It's just a tease.

And this hurts. There is some sort of deep, existential pain that I feel whenever I am reminded of this. "Species dysphoria". If anyone had trouble understanding gender dysphoria before, boy do I have a concept for you.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what caused me to dissociate from the body. It's supposed to be my body, it's supposed to be one with me, it's supposed to be me. I'm supposed to be comfortable in it, and it's supposed to be under my control. But it's not. It's not me, it's not comfortable, and it's not under my control.

I blame some of it on autism and ADHD. Being autistic deprives me of control over the body, and ADHD deprives me of the ability to override that. But I also blame it on the lack of proper fantasy in my dreams. I think, that because my dreams have never truly been an escape from anything... that I'm missing something that I'm not supposed to be missing. In other words... "transcendent experience as a fundamental psychological need". And I haven't had any. I am incapable of it.

I've tried writing stories. I've tried roleplaying. I've tried to make myself more comfortable in the body, through actual physical comfort, or from expression of this "otherkin" identity. But nothing seems to help. Nothing actually feels like it means anything. I'm just not getting it.

I just feel trapped. Trapped in this body. Trapped in this reality. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what I can do about it. I've tried LSD, tried ketamine. I like LSD, and still use it somewhat regularly. But it still doesn't do what I want, or what I need. It's a recreational activity for me, but it doesn't seem to help with anything deep inside.

Stimulants like dexedrine used to help, but every time I try them after a couple months' break, they either barely help at all, or they help for a few weeks and then my tolerance skyrockets.

The depression is the lack of any hope that this will ever change. The depression is this deep discomfort with myself, my body, my life... and the fear that it will be this way forever. That I will never get what I am seeking, and that I will never be able to fix what is broken inside, either.

I've talked to doctors about this, I've talked to therapists about this. I'm getting a neuropsychological evaluation in a few months. I'm trying to help myself, I just don't know if there is anything left to try. The best I can do is get recognized.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated, of course.