Then they have their own account that you transfer $X/month into. If you can't agree as a couple on what each person should be spending, then the relationship is on bad footing to begin with.

I think this creates an uncomfortable/unequal situation for the non working partner as you’ve essentially set yourself up as an authority figure over them rather than an equal.

“Non working” haaaaaaa!

I’m open to suggestions if you think a better term is on offer.

I've heard "stay-at-home" used.

Stay at home moms (SAHM)

The choice to not specify a woman was deliberate.

"Partner."

Freedom is equivalent to responsibility.

If you offload your responsibility of paying your expenses upon another, you surrender that freedom to them.

If a couple wants equality, have separate finances and incomes and make agreements as to how any financial matters that must be handled together should be handled.

I don’t think I see what makes that more equal than treating all of your money as a shared resource between the two of you. Unless you have exactly the same income I think the opposite is true.

If you rely on your spouse for your finances in any way, it means they are superior to you. You aren't financially independent and thus aren't equal, at least not within any immediate timeframe.

I don’t think I can agree with that one. A successful marriage involves interlocking reliance on the other partner in many ways. I couldn’t have born my own child, for instance.

If I make more money, and my spouse and I agree to split expenses evenly and keep our separate finances, and as a result I'm enjoying luxuries without them because they can't afford them, I hardly see how my spouse is more equal in this scenario. They'll probably resent me for not sharing my good fortune with them, and it will absolutely still lead to bad power dynamics in a relationship. If we don't split expenses evenly because I make more so that we can end up with roughly an equal amount of "fun money" each in the end, then it's just shared finances with extra steps and constant adjustment of percentage expense burden as relative incomes change.

Most couples will try to cover shared expenses with their combined income and then equally distribute the remainder, so that neither of you is left wanting. Of course if you're the one making significantly more (or a sole income provider) you might see this arrangement as mooching or unfair as you're contributing more. But there's more dimensions you can contribute to in a relationship than just financial, and hopefully both partners can recognize that.

But the members of a married couple are never "equal" - whatever that even means.

It seems strange to say that confidently if you don’t even know what it means.

Equality is a nebulous concept. Equality of what? Because in a sexually dimorphic species there's one thing you can say more certainly than anything else: men and women are not equal.

In this instance it means that neither party is subordinate to the other. It does not mean "equal" in the mathematical sense that two things are identical. With this knowledge perhaps you can go back and make sense of the discussion.

Do you have an alternative in mind?

Joint accounts. Isn’t that the subject of discussion?

You need then all of these:

Budgeted amount for say toilet roll.

Decide whose bank account to use for it.

How to re balance as expenses change.

For each expense or group of expenses.

Each spend kinda needs to be tagged. It is a lot more work.

Might be OK if you have no kids and are renting.

I want to divorce myself from even thinking how much effort that takes.

I'm married (with kids and not renting) and don't have a joint bank account and it's not anything like that complicated. We worked out a set amount per month that gets transferred from my account to hers based on the main bills (mortgage, etc) coming out of my account as the higher earner. We review that occasionally based on total spending and income. The rest more or less works itself out.

Even failing that I think you’d get into a lot of ticky-tack calculations about who pays for shoes or school supplies or whatever.

Then work out a way to divide income ahead of time rather than quibble after the fact? That's what me and my wife do.

My wife and I have just had joint accounts forever and it’s worked out great for us. There must be more than anecdote to go with if we want to have this argument “rationally.” Though if I’m being honest, it has more to do with my ideal of what a committed relationship is about than rational considerations.