Short, choppy sentences, lots of second-person, dropping a "punch-line" sentence to its own paragraph like they're a fucking magician revealing the card you pulled earlier. It's some kind of cross between transparent rapport-building sales-psychology crap and setting off a fireworks display to celebrate your successfully assembling a PB&J.

Like listening to a used car salesman tell a mundane story about their morning commute.

But full of unearned and over-the-top dramatic pauses.