I’m glad you learned not to try to be what you think the other person wants.

What I meant by authenticity goes more than that. It’s gaining an intuitive knowing of who you really are, past the layers of beliefs and conditionings. It’s more that just who you think the person you are dating expects. It is also your parent’s expectations, or even your religious and cultural expectations. It goes past even what you _think_ you should be.

That’s why I said, meditation helps with this process, and so does therapy.

So more than actions, it is also beliefs, values, and attitudes.

No, this interpretation of authentic is exactly what I'm shooting at, you should definitely do things to get a specific outcome. If you don't start doing those things and integrate it into your personality, you'll never actually make it part of your personality. Sure it will be inauthentic at first, but you HAVE to go through that stage or else you'll never get there. Bonus points if you understand why those societal guidelines exist and accept that they're not totally bullshit.

The flip side is you don't accept the guidelines that society suggests and you spend your days lonely (waiting for the chance encounter with the person who somehow isn't wired to social expectations) when you could have been working on those muscles, most of which if practiced through your relationship will likely make your relationship better off.

What you shouldn't do is compromise your integrity. Like doing shitty things just because other people say you should.

But there is a distinction between integrity and authenticity that is important. The former is critical, the latter is something that is generally overrated.

> Example, younger me would go on dates, and try to be the person the other person wanted (without realizing this until later in life)... This kind of inauthentic actions

But that's the thing. Being a "people pleaser" was the authentic younger you. Possibly coming out of a place of desperation. Thank goodness you figured your shit out and changed your personality to something that was inauthentic, at least in the beginning

You can gain skills like archery this way.

However, that kind of attitude and frame will not work well for a healthy relationship. People’s feelings are not outcomes you can manage your way towards.

You are, of course, free to do as you like. I’m just sharing some hard-earned experience.

You're not reading what I'm writing. You cannot improve yourself without at some point stepping through an inauthentic phase where you are forcing yourself to try shit that you have no idea what you are doing.

"staying authentic" a priori prevents you from learning healthy relationship dynamics. You will never get there in the first place.