As someone who hasn’t had that experience, I’m having such a hard time wrapping my head around this and how that previous status quo was at all healthy.

So it was the illusion of strength and stability that propped up trust in the relationship? How does crying destroy trust? There had to be more to it than just that.

> I’m having such a hard time wrapping my head around this

In addition to being romantically fulfilling, relationships are a market negotiation. Each partner is looking to evaluate if the other is a good deal/fit for them, given their own value. As partners become more invested in the relationship, being more and more vulnerable is acceptable, as for the other it's a sunk cost to leave and start over.

If you're not able/willing to see trust in monogamous relationships as at least partially an expression of this, then it's difficult to wrap your head around imo.

I meant, people who were trustworthy previously were no longer

> So it was the illusion of strength and stability that propped up trust in the relationship? How does crying destroy trust? There had to be more to it than just that.

If you were projecting social competence and emotional stability in the idiom of your culture and then you start acting like an upper middle class Californian your spouse may want to join you in that. Or they may view it as some combination of a huge red flag and an utter betrayal. Imagine if a (secular, orthodox or religious) Jewish Israeli told his wife he was a Muslim now. That’s what abandoning the cultural scripts a relationship was built on is like. If you’re not actually the person they thought they were in a relationship with they may be willing to try and make it work. Or not.

> Imagine if a (secular, orthodox or religious) Jewish Israeli told his wife he was a Muslim now.

Sounds like another relationship built on illusions.

Sir this isn't reddit.

It’s not about religion. That’s just yet example they chose. My opinion on the matter is unchanged.

You're not wrong. She thought he's a proper orthodox Jew, he probably wasn't for a long time if ever, that definitely qualifies as an illusion. If hypothetical she were to leave, perhaps his illusion might have been that she'd not leave, but accept his decision and find a way to make it work regardless. Is she leaving because he kept his doubts a secret? I'd get that, can't have a working relationship without honesty. But if not: It's not like that sort of thing working out is completely unheard of, and while the HN audience tends to be dismissive of anything that doesn't feel simplistically rational, love is a pretty powerful thing that has overcome worse obstacles time and again.

If someone only trusts you because you act like an emotionless robot, they're not worth hanging out with. You want to hang out with people who accept your whole self, weaknesses and strengths included.

At some point in your life you might need support to go through dark and difficult times - you want people who are there for you throughout those periods.

I agree, but I think most people model others in their head quite crudely so whenever someone breaks outside of their box of expectations, that someone is no longer serving the same role in the relationship, and risks being shunned or replaced. Purely conjecture though.

On the flip side, now closer to an emotionless robot due to such experiences, I find people relying on me for my emotionless roboticism.

> You want to hang out with people who accept your whole self, weaknesses and strengths included.

Lol no. Your “whole self” is your problem. Maybe your parent’s. Maybe your spouse’s. Most people don’t want to deal with other people’s problems, and that’s entirely reasonable.

They especially don’t want to deal with your “whole self” if that wasn’t the terms of the relationship originally. People make friends with other people for reasons. Sometimes it’s because they’re funny. Or a good drinking buddy. Other times it’s because they’re emotionally stable, or practical, or a good listener, etc. If you change the parameters of what you’re offering in the relationship, people will reevaluate their reasons for being in it.

The fraction of women who, consciously or unconsciously, see emotional vulnerability in men as repulsive is larger than most people would admit. That doesn't mean it isn't worth looking for one who doesn't. It may limit your dating pool a bit but I promise at the end of the day it's one hundred percent worth the effort.

Correct. If one is so inclined, search on TikTok for videos about “the ick”. It’s about as shallow and depressing as you’re imagining.

Emotional vulnerability and honesty is a pretty frequent example, which is a shame.

I showed vulnerability in a relationship and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Not something I'll ever repeat.