Parenting strategies, like war plans, rarely survive first contact with the enemy.

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I like this thread :D But be good to yourself too. You don't have to be the perfect parent all the time, as long as you are nice to your kid(s) most of the time.

What are you implying? Drug the kids cake so that we can sleep?

I though I've laid it out: you don't have to be the perfect parent all the time, so please don't suffer because you cannot always adhere to your own quality standard ("no cake at 3am"). I say this because many do and suffer when they are not perfect. And they think they are alone in this.

> In the end, you have much less control than you think you do.

I love how you articulated this.

It really sums up how I feel them times I get too strict on things "because it will be good for their future". Not saying it is not necessary sometimes, but don't expect things will work as planned regardless how much you enforce it.

> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention

Specifically this one - spend time with your kids is the most valuable thing you can do. To understand my own character and how my parents affected it, I liked Jesper Juul (e.g. "Your Competent Child"). Its well thought through and reflecting, starting with yourself instead of the child.

Agreeing with all that you say, except the claim that preventing technology is BS. If a tablet or smartphone is available it is almost always what kids will choose, if you don't make it available, they can do and learn better things.

Sure, you cannot prevent it forever, but that's not the goal, just to postpone it until they are well-equipped to handle it.

The same really with alcohol or smoking. You cannot prevent your children forever from trying it, but it is a huge difference whether they are exposed to it at 12 or 18. Nobody argues "let children drink and smoke and decide for themselves whether it is good or not".

EDIT: one important aspect is credibility and example. Kids will of course pick up on it if you are addicted to the phone, while you don't let them use it. "Do, don't tell", etc.

Is that so? So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are. We're all humans in the end.

Just let them use it, but if they use too much, you need to give a good example of what would be an alternative, also what are their responsibilities. If they are getting good grades and keep their room organized, why can't they do whatever they like? This smells like abuse.

Is it really different if a kid is exposed to cigars at 12 or 18? I don't think so. I just wouldn't give them cigars and would make sure that they know how bad this is for their health, as well live in a community that would lessen the likelihood of such thing happening. You don't have control of whether this will happen though.

But in the end, they'll fulfil their own destiny, if their ultimate destiny is to smoke cigarettes or do heroine when they grow up, let it be.

Try to conquer them with your example, and they will want to follow your footsteps. But if you are boring adult with a shitty life and sad, be sure they'll find another example to aspire to.

> So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting?

Would a nomad from 2000 years ago prefer your jar of honey or roaming for 3 hours to find a few berries and a squirrel ?

You should look at "formative years", how habits are formed and picked by young kids, &c. they are sponges, much more than adults are

> They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are.

Apps are designed to keep you engaged and kids, just like adults, need time to get bored. Being bored and having nothing to do is when imagination and creativity grows

Lol at not letting them use a tablet as much as they want being abuse. Maybe their room is clean and their grades are good but they aren't developing social skills because the tablet is their only hobby.

IMO, part of parenting is making choices for kids because their brains aren't developed enough to understand the consequences. As a 7 year old, I want cake now, I don't care that I will be obese later.

> So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting?

Pretty much. Modern tablets and apps are hopelessly strong eyeball magnets for kids. You have to pry them away, sometimes physically, and everything else will seem boring in comparison.

> So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting?

I'm sure it varies from kid to kid, but my (now) 15 year-old always preferred visiting friends over generally unrestricted access to XBox or other electronic entertainments. It wasn't even close. Hell, even a bike ride or "adventure" with mom or dad was preferable, possibly because there would be a playground, treat, or other fun along the way.

Now that they're older, mom and dad don't have as much say, but most online time is spent with friends, but getting together IRL still trumps being online. Again, we try to encourage this by always saying "yes" to any remotely reasonable request to drive them somewhere, have some cash to hang out downtown, etc.

Device use is where smoking was 50 years ago. Everyone does it, most people kinda know it's bad for you. It's like eating candy instead of actual meals, doesn't have the balanced macros and vitamins of proper engagement+interactions.

A kid who doesn't spend 4-6 hours a day on a phone, and has some real-world stuff to stay busy with, is going to be miles ahead of everyone else in 10 years.

> A kid who doesn't sped 4-6 hours a day on a phone ...

Amen.

You need to compromise. What I do:

- No TV at all (except on holidays then they can watch as long as they want), without TV it is easier

- When coming home we all, parents included, don't use technology for 10 minutes, this is like a time-out, sometimes the children started to play and don't need technology

- Sometimes don't use technology the whole time, for example when going away, the parents also leave their cell phones at home

- Sometimes let the children be bored, boredom is sometimes a great source of creativity

- Sometimes let them use technology as long as they want so that they learn to feel what this means

- Friendly ask them what they are doing

- One-click buy or similar things are a way to lose money

- Try to create incentives, like: you can stay at home alone, but today nobody is using any technology, you can read books or go with us

- Be sincere, open and friendly and admit that you yourself are fallible, alway try to discuss and find a common understanding

- Try to influence, like gaming is better than watching Youtube, some Youtube channels are better than others, and so on

The idea is: Sooner or later your children will have contact with the manipulative virtual world outside. You can't avoid it. Try to steer somewhat, but you will sometimes fail. Accept your failings. Stay relaxed. Be authentic.

Good luck!

The only thing I can add, life is not a race. Nobody want's to be the first at the finishing line. So encourage them not only to do serious stuff but also fun stuff. And don't take the serious stuff too serious, they will get there in their own time.

> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on

My spawn is 15 years old, and this has always been my #1 goal. In fact, it led my family to sell our house in the burbs and move downtown to a city. I worked in the city and my better half outside the city. As a result of the move, we were both about 20 minutes away from home and, unlike my previous 1 hour commute, I could be available to coach afterschool sports or do AM dropoff.

Father of three here. This is great advice, thank you.

Agree with just about everything except that preventing access to technology is BS. It’s almost certainly not and you don’t want a kid relying on a tablet for entertainment or having access to some very bad perspectives online.