So I'm like this just not as 'successful' AND I haven't gone medicated as I'm on the cusp. Although, I've been putting something off for a while....;)
'The thing that's most beneficial is a bit unseen, I'm not carrying a burden of self-loathing, fear, anxiety on my back, all stressors that were a result of my inability to entirely control my focus and do the thing that I wanted to do when I wanted to. That invisible weight that I carried everywhere vanished.'
I am currently in the mindset that I don't get to choose what I do. I either do it, or I don't and that has forced me down a route to where I find myself. Which has really worked out. But only because I caught myself and that those knife edge moments went the right way.
The problem that I found as I got older is there's substantially less room for just going with the flow. It worked great for years. Now I have people that I'm responsible to and do it or don't do it doesn't work. I can't just leave it to chance if I sit down and read with my kids daily or cook them healthy foods. Their lives will pass by while I'm wondering around waiting for the inspiration to be a good parent.
So a heads up, that works great when no one depends on you much. It works a lot less great when you owe people things that you really care about.
This has helped me to do the things that I want to do. It more helps on the task level and less the overarching job level.
I still don’t subscribe to ‘it’s all ADHD’ where everything gets lumped into this block of behavioral reasoning.
I think it’s at an OS level but I think we are just a little more sensitive than non neurodivergents. And that comes with some huge benefits as well as negatives.
When I was young, it was just 'here take this'. No help with understand what was happening or how to work on it. And I think that's a bad place to be.
I've been experiencing the exact same emotions/habits you mention for the past 5 years especially, now that I have a wife and child and it's been extremely stressful and I've been less than fun to be around unless I'd found a way to be super productive that day or perhaps after a couple drinks.
I took adderall for the first time in years yesterday coincidentally, and felt like a new person. I could work through the stuff that I'd been putting off for weeks. My house wasn't a disaster zone with baby toys everywhere.
So all of this just to say, thanks for your write up. I'm going to look into CBT as well and maybe get back on the meds permanently. My only concern is the come down where I was left feeling terrible, but I hear they have better stimulants than adderall these days so perhaps I'll give another one a shot.
I can feel the medication starting to wear off around 4PM and get sucked into the time blindness and must work/play rather than spend time with my family.
Thanks for your message. Eyes opening
I quit my meds when I was about 16/17 failed out of my last year of highschool, went on to become a construction foreman for huge projects managing crews of 30-40.
During a layoff in 2009 because there was no construction, I installed linux on a laptop because I borked my OS and didn't have a key. Ended up getting a job as an ISP call center tech at a small ISP/hosting company a few months later, taught myself systems and networking administration and was running the whole place a few years later including the BGP peering, system automation, monitoring, and building.
I went to work for a FANNG for a decade, Built some cool shit, have a few patents.
When the pandemic hit, I really stopped for the first time and looked at what being able to perform at a high level was costing me and my family.
1. I was drinking too much, a small buzz would slow my mind down and let me focus on a single thing, It kinda works but at what cost?
2. I always knew what I needed to do, I understood how to build what I needed to build but there would be times, whole weeks, when I'd be unable to bring myself to read the docs I needed too or do what ever I needed to do, that would make me uneasy and lead to a lot of self-loathing. Not a great person for my family to be around during those times.
3. Always feeling like I needed to work but never working, so everything was an inconvenience because I should be getting something done at work but I wasn't, then things like dinner with my family felt like it might be taking away from some work I wasn't going to do anyways.
4. The lightning would strike, I'd find a deadline or whatever and I'd work, almost unbroken for days straight, online before my kids got up, get them to school, work, pick them up and make dinner/put to bed, work through the night or late into the night.
5. I'd build the thing I needed to and then I'd crash and be tired, and then I'd have a day or two to be the father and partner and person I wanted to be, but there's always the nagging feeling that next time, I'll be too late or won't pull it off . . ..
I spent 2 years in therapy (starting before the pandemic) addressing the symptoms and working on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques to address a chemical imbalance in my brain. Working on being kind to myself, working on stress management, working on time management.
Part way into the pandemic, I ended up quitting, realizing I just needed a break and I was working so much harder than any of my peers for a similar or worse output. Them mental overhead of keeping up was excessive.
Eventually, I went back and got properly medicated. It was like a switch flipped. It took me a month or so, to get into it, but I found myself feeling like I could stop and be available for my kids whenever, because I started to realize, I could just turn my focus on and off whenever I wanted and I didn't have to wait for lightning to strike.
The thing that's most beneficial is a bit unseen, I'm not carrying a burden of self-loathing, fear, anxiety on my back, all stressors that were a result of my inability to entirely control my focus and do the thing that I wanted to do when I wanted to. That invisible weight that I carried everywhere vanished.
I've seen a marked improvement in my life over the last year or so. I'm a better father, partner, employee. I like myself for the first time in decades.
This is long winded, but I wanted to put this out there because there are a lot of us in tech. having ADHD is actually a great way to get into tech, we find something we don't understand or a blocker and dig deep. I was just trying to find a way around a license key and ended up learning internet routing . . .. I have a very broad skill set because I'll dig deep on anything that walks by. I see many like myself. But if you find yourself in a cycle like this, go get help. Life doesn't have to be that hard.