To raise kids (in a responsible good manner), you need a long-lasting stable relationship with parents that are trustworthy and on the same wavelength.
OP is currently in a relationship with his wife whom he loves dearly. But regarding kids they don't seem to be on the same wavelength (on one particular topic, they probably agree on many other things), because he regrets decisions they made in the past.
Why will his situation improve by giving up the relationship and becoming less trustworthy? 5 years down the roads, in a new relationship, he or his new wife will decide their wavelengths changed, and it's time to look for someone else. And then 2 small kids will have to cope with the fall-out.
Divorcing someone you love, with the intents of starting a stable relationship with someone else is self-deceit. Kids deserve better than that.
Well it would be ideal but lots of kids have separated parents.
What is important is not that the parents are together, but that everyone is safe, the kids are loved, the parents are respectful towards one another. The greater the kindness and cooperation between separated parents, the better it is for kids.
Critically important is that the kids are not exposed to conflict between parents.
If you can get all that right then even kids with separated parents can be pretty happy I think.
It may be increasingly common and I’d agree it’s better to separate than stay together for the kids but I do believe it has a lasting impact. It’ll affect the way they see relationships for the rest of their lives.
It’s selfish for people in their late 30s / early 40s to rush into having a family because they’re worried the window will close.
Also this is an extremely western centric mindset. iirc the literature indicates that having 2 responsible well caring adults is a much better goal. That could simply be an Uncle and Grandma. If OP has a community/network of good people then it's ok if He/Wifey are not perfect.
> It's not too late.
I second that. A (male) friend of mine was 40 when they had their first child and now they have three.
More importantly: 39 is probably not too late biologically for your partner. A lot has changed over the last 20 years for late births.
Find a doctor who's competent and supportive to help you along, you're not the first people to have children at that age.
Turn your regret into a motivator. I've done a lot of different and exciting things in my life, I've lived on three different continents, worked with some of the smartest and most renowned people in their fields, and yet nothing beats the experience of loving your children.
Good luck.
There's still a lot of risks, particularly of disappointment, but also massively elevated risk of gestational diabetes and Down syndrome.
What about the risk of forever regretting that you didn't even try? Everyone has to decide for themselves what level of risk they are ok with (I'm not going to do base jumping, for instance :D), but if you want a "safe" life, you have to stay indoors, live like a hermit, and forego all human contact ;)
You hear things like this all the time. I think the people with this type of mindset are more vocal. But it is not a universal truth.
On the other side of the curve:
There are people who love and care for their dogs more than their children. I've heard people say this with honest tears running down their face.
There are people who completely abandon their children for many reasons, sometimes mental illness, sometimes not. Sometimes mental illness triggered by the additional burden of the child.
There are people who literally kill themselves after having children. It's extreme, but it's a fact. Obviously it's not the child's fault, but definitely not "best thing in the universe" for these people.
Children can be wonderful. They can also ruin you.
It's not too late.
You have discovered it is the most important thing to you.
So do it. Do it.
Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids.
To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then you will have neither child nor wife. Take action to have a child - explain to your wife how you feel - if she wants to take that journey with you, great, if she doesn't then you both know that things have changed.
But act quick, because time is against you. You will be physically capable of having kids for many years to come, but every year past 40 it make less sense for a variety of reasons.
I only had one child, for which I am eternally grateful. I deeply wish I had more than one, for which I am eternally regretful. I left it too late to have more.
Kids are the best thing in the universe, and indeed for me personally, the very reason for living. I wish I had known that sooner in life.
And when you go onto the dating websites, be right up front about your situation. "I'm 40, I'm looking for a woman to have kids with fairly soon." Choose a good and kind trustworthy woman who you think would be a good mother. Make sure you bring the same things to the party.