My user name is a common real-life first name with no numbers or symbols. So, since username transfers to a specific new account are not possible, I would almost certainly lose the name to a sniper with a script. I know there's a whole industry around that practice.

Not that i approve/excuse it, but it could also be why you must jump through so many hoops to get access to the account. There's a big black market on "OG" minecraft nicknames.

I get the impression that the process isn't special for me, particularly given everyone else's own personal horrors, as detailed in this thread.

Indeed. Mojang's support is hostile to users with rare usernames. I've seen it first hand and have lots of stories about it. Mojang's support system is honestly one of the worst support teams I've dealt with.

Befriend someone at Mojang or get a job there lol

That seems like the only reasonable option these days.

Got a reasonable problem with a small business, or even a bank? Just go to the nearest branch and talk with a reasonable person.

Got a minor issue with a tech company? Godspeed and good luck, better find someone able to escalate the problem internally, while possibly breaking some rules.

If only dealing with a bank were that easy. Maybe if you give them an easy one.

Smaller businesses definitely are more receptive and seem to take more responsibility, maybe because when you have less customers, each one is more important. That said, they also have less resources to actually rectify certain kinds of problems. So it’s not always that simple, either.

Sleeping with employees seems to work to solve issues with tech companies:

https://www.dailydot.com/irl/kittylixo-onlyfans-instagram-em...

Should make for an interesting cover letter, probably help you get through HR.