The other day was take your kids to work day and my daughter was excited to go for some reason. By midmorning I could tell she was disappointed. At lunch we were all sitting together and she started crying. Folks gathered round to comfort her and ask what was wrong. She turned to me and asked "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

For a physicist, all numbers up to 10 are prime:

  1: prime
  2: prime
  3: prime
  4: measurement error
  5: prime
  6: measurement error
  7: prime
  8: measurement error
  9: measurement error
  10: measurement error

Jesus has been at the bar all day. He’s practically falling over. Jesus says “Let me get a seven and seven.” Bartender says “Good lord, you’re hammered. I’m cutting you off.” Jesus says, “Fine, I’ll just take a water.”

Q: What does a dog have in common with a duck?

A: They're both dogs (except for the duck).

Walk into a whiteboard interview scowling at the candidate and write

5Q + 5Q = ?

Tell them to solve it. When they write 10Q say "You're welcome"

A belgian, an american and a french walks into a swimming pool. The owner tells them it's a magic pool, you say a word and you dive into a pool made of that word.

The belgian says "beer" and dive into a beer-filled pool.

The american says "dollar" and dive into a dollar-filled pool.

The french runs, slips and says "shit!".

#ifdef Get_a_hearing_aid

(Stolen from the Bad C Pun Contest, C/C++ User's Journal, 1992. I still remember it.)

Toothless Termite walks into a saloon, knocks on the counter top, hollers: "Bartender here?"

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, the lightbulb has to want to change.

My wife keeps looking at me like a piece of meat. I wouldn't mind if she wasnt vegan.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

Two blokes looking in a shop window. One turns to the other and says "There's the one I'd get"

And a big cyclops comes round the corner and beats the shite out of him.

A mute man says to a deaf man that a blind one is staring at them.

Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

My girlfriend was complaining that she was getting harassed at work.

I told her that she could stop working from home if she didn't like it.

I went to a zoo and it had only one animal — a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

- What's the difference between a sparrow?

- It has one leg a little more.

This is one of my favourite jokes but nobody ever laughs when I tell it. Which makes me sad.

Why do I comatose?

In case I get myxomatosis

Web development.

That is... hilarious.

I agree.