I fully expect that if I find a "major outage" on Slack's status page that it could only mean the outbreak of nuclear war.

"Some users may experience brief service disruption."

"By the account of them and us being completely vaporized"

I was going to link the appropriate XKCD where organised attackers are panicing as they realise they're dealing with a sysadmin muttering about uptime..

.. but of course XKCD is down too.

e: https://xkcd.com/705/

"Only the last couple seconds of their lives."

Or the AWS typical status of ‘seeing increased error rates on the API’ = us-east-1 is dead

At least that's accurate. "Degraded performance" would imply to me that things are functional, but slow. increased error rates can be anything from "try again" to ":shrug:"

"We're investigating reports of intermittent connectivity issues" => transatlantic cables cut, WWIII imminent

Well to be fair some users were not accessing the site at that time

Yeah, that's my experience as well. I thought it meant "we have no idea what's going on" though.