Not saying you weren't the subject of over-reaction, or not, but I think this is an example of sub-par feedback. It would be better to point out the issues in concrete terms, and say this is something that should be addressed, and why. And if you can't do that, you should ruminate on it until you can reify whether it is wrong, and what ought to be done, and why. Do this with anybody. If they argue with you, they'll be arguing only on technicalities, not personalities.
The other side of the same coin is whenever you receive nasty and undeserved feedback, you don't reply or argue.. You say "thank you for the feedback" and ruminate what good you can take out of that, if any. You don't fight back - not if you actually want to receive feedback in the future.
It's exactly what the article is saying: men are clamming up. If one doesn't know how to deliver excellent feedback/is worried about the packaging, the sane strategy is to just shut up. There's seldom a personal upside for delivering constructive feedback to anybody - and in a situation where bad delivery has unlimited downside, it's smart to just refrain from it.
I don't think it applies as much to coding practices, where you can provide specific and constructive advice and there's a concrete thing that can be debated (i.e., the changes to the code-base). What makes good business reasoning relies upon intangibles, like experience. But even here, one could point to examples of a strategy being used in the past and failing. You can't argue with the historical facts as being innately sexist. You could argue that the variables have changed, but then there's something concrete to talk about.
Edit: minor clarification
Should we refrain from giving feedback before we have fully articulated the principles by which we would like our code to be written? What about the abundance of tacit knowledge that we can only hope others to learn by osmosis?
I think these are fair questions. Reflecting back on a younger and more arrogant self, I can see that I was quite more pushy with my opinions. And they were that, opinions. Having them challenged when I was no longer the best coder in the room was how I grew, but that required speaking in clear language, and having clear arguments. I think the sooner you learn to do this, the better, and it might challenge some bad ideas that you've held dear.
Communicating "this is what I think of your work, some of it is negative but isn't intended as an attack against you" (without actually using any of those words, otherwise you run into the "my human trafficking shirt" problem) in a way that you're confident your criticisms won't be used against you, it's a skill you can and should train.
But it's work. Like, okay, social stuff is a part of the job, but when you're an engineer in a room with other engineers you'd like to be able to speak your mind without constantly simulating a PR team in your brain.
> speak your mind without constantly simulating a PR team in your brain.
Certainly not what I'm advocating. But I would say, that off-hand and unexamined opining in a collaborative setting can have a deleterious effect. Particularly if you're in a lead or senior position where your criticisms may often proceed unquestioned, even if they are based on faulty or misapplied intuitions.
In my time as a consultant, I've found I've communicated best and reached the best outcomes when I've refrained from speaking until I'm clear about what I'm saying, and why. The initial reticence allows time for less confident voices to speak their minds, and as a side benefit allow a new perspective to move the conversation.
These replies seem to forget that a single person can destroy your career, livelihood and relationships because they have misunderstood an interaction
And this was >5 years ago, and I think the likelihood of this happening has only gone up in that time.
> And you're saying that it wasn't made a big deal, that it was just pointed out to you?
Yes, but I suppose my point here is that even that was enough for me to be cautious going forward
My claim is just that this experience changed how I interact with women in the workplace compared to men. So to me, the point of the article, that men are "clamming up", holds true for me even with this minor situation compared to a much larger public situation.
I've had it on the list to get a professional therapist for years, one day I'll finally actually do the work to set it up :)
in this case the gun being your career shattered by idiotic accusations of sexism in the form of calling out bad CSS. being called a sexist is almost like being called a racist. the accusation is enough for people to believe it to be true. so yes, a normal human being will instead be extremely wary, and rather than trying to shoot more guns in the future, will instead shy away from that experience entirely.
you seem to be posting in this thread everywhere that every man should just be a hero and after a close call with having their career derailed, they should continue on and ignore the past. realistically, this will never happen given the state of how society deals with these issues.
it's also a very privileged POV to have because if you're a father with a family/kids etc, the last thing you're likely to do is stick out like a sore thumb and continue doing the thing that almost made you lose your job and reputation in the industry.
Men and people in general do not have a duty to take risk for the benefit of others. Women expecting men to risk their own reputation to help them is naive and stupid. There are benefits and drawbacks to everything and women not receiving any personal guidance from men is one of the main drawbacks from our new "woke" culture.
Also, personally, I don't give advice or criticism to anyone. Man or woman. I don't see how it ever benefits me to do so.
I, cis white guy in the bay, was hired as a consultant to help build out a product and was pair programming with a woman founder & new engineer and made some passing comment about the CSS quality not being "ideal" or something of the sort. This was later brought up as something that they interpreted as some kind of sexism which completely caught me off guard and put me in a very awkward position of having to respond to that and explain that it was just poorly phrased, not sexism.
In the grand scheme this was very minor situation, e.g. no managers, HR, or social media involved, just between a few people on the project, but it's something I'll never forget and had colored how I interact with women going forward.
Basically I just want to avoid that ever happening again because if you're on the "No I'm not sexist" side of the argument, you've basically already lost in how society engages these days.