> We easily forget that we do what we do for money.

That is good. I do not want to remember Java and Kotlin.

Might be worth a revisit actually. After having kept off it for years I did a small project in Java for an interview some time ago, and a larger one as a postdoc a year before that. Its latest features, especially functional interfaces, makes it very powerful in a specific niche: The middle lands of software that does have stringent performance requirements - low latency from microseconds upwards and/or throughput, but not necessarily needing a cluster larger than some dozens of nodes. In such cases it is more productive than fully compiled system programming languages, while being much more performant than dynamic languages. Functional interfaces are a perfect match to do data centric designs in it.

I work in Java and Kotlin still. I miss doing OCaml. I miss writing C. I am trying to keep my sanity by doing Erlang[1] (gonna be our server for various purposes and I did not want to use Go because I thought it would be a great opportunity to perfect Erlang) and reading old books on Forth. I am also reading "Fundamentals of Embedded Software: Where C and Assembly Meet". For the foreseeable future I will do more designing and reading than implementing, but I will be toying around of course; for example right now I am doing hot upgrades and release handling in Erlang so I will not hesitate much due to ignorance when the time comes. This is just a minor part of it, of course.

In any case, Java, and especially Kotlin are quite tolerable with IntelliJ. It is a great IDE for those two at least. Plus I get paid, which is also a motivator... :D

[1] Truth be told, it is difficult to keep that sanity because I dislike the OTP documentation. I am reading books instead. I already know what their "target_system" does anyway, I modified it a lot for my use case but I reverted it because I thought it would be more of a hassle in the end.

I invite you to learn Elixir instead. Plus the forum is extremely welcoming and there are very easily digestible and much more carefully crafted docs compared to Erlang.

Plus, macros (basically, generators of code). How can you say no to that?

Well, you always have a choice. I branched out of lucrative careers... 3 times so far (so I am on the 4th full switch). And I still make more money than before.

I lack connections because I did not care about money and such before the age of 25. :/ Of course I also lack qualifications. I only have my code repository, and I can talk about the projects I made for some clients. In any case, it is quite difficult because I have lots of anxiety. I feel like I would fail or would not know enough.

I am 40 and I started caring about career and repouation less than a year ago.

You will always have something that you don't know. Took me a loooong time to get over it. Try and short-circuit this struggle because it would otherwise never end.

I do not know how to. :/ I can work for clients because it is different than working for a company, but... not enough money and not stable enough, sadly.

I don't understand. You don't want to work for companies?

I would like to, but there are too many people and it gives me lots of anxiety just to even think about going for an interview, let alone working for them. :/ Just tried to say that it is much easier when there is one person I work for and talk to online and working from home, vs. working in groups or meeting lots and lots of people. I have social phobia, and I also fear that I am not good enough and I do not even try because of it, it holds me back. I even fear working in groups of strangers online. I really do not know what to do. So I suppose I have performance anxiety (I do not know if there is such a thing), and I have social phobia.

I also have anxiety about my health when I notice something out of the place, but that is a different sort of issue. I remember when outside there were construction workers and beneath me the floor moved and I almost had a panic attack because of it. At first I did not know it was caused by them, I thought something was happening to me. It got better when I realized it was just them.

As a start, we are currently living in the best time ever for remote work. You can apply, have interview, homework assignments etc., all from your home.

Doesn't that make it a little better?

I get what you mean with performance anxiety -- my last job kind of ended because I felt a severe impostor syndrome. But eventually it turned out it wasn't only that; I was forced into rituals and ways of work I didn't enjoy so the job couldn't possibly work. Realizing this instantly made me feel better.