Sadly, we are dealing with a Jackson Pollock situation.

You sir, are an ace. I wish you all the best.

I just thought of another idea. A lot of times public bathrooms will have a disposable, flushable, parchment paper that can be placed on the seat and a flap leads down to the water. If you were to have 4 of these flaps instead of 1 I think it would protect the bowl enough.

I had to look it up... Haha.

Have you tried a space toilet?

And I know you mentioned a feeding tube, can they add fiber in your diet somehow? I used to get similar issues while not eating enough fiber.

Any forums of people with similar conditions that could recommend solutions?

Best of luck.

Props for keeping your sense of humor, dude.