You are replaceable, but the result for the company after you're replaced may not be what they or you expect (could go either way - good or bad). I've left some places where I felt things were toxic, and others where I thought I was becoming toxic - too cynical, frustrated, etc.

Don't worry about 'getting your friends out'. They have their own lives. You have yours. You can only help others from a position of strength, not weakness. It doesn't sound like you're in a position of strength. That said, once you get in that position, they may not want helping anyway, but that's way in the future.

Get yourself sorted out. I'd take a long hard look to see if there's a way of staying that will work out for everyone, but likely you should be looking for someplace else. There's tens of thousands of companies out there that are not Google, MS and FB where your skills may be just as valued - probably moreso than at those big 3 you mentioned.

The 'culture' is not going to be changed where you are by your own actions. At best they are tolerated. Unless there's visible efforts of people from all levels actively seeking and enabling the changes you're proposing, it ain't gonna happen, and you're likely being viewed as an eccentric at best, or a troublemaker at worst.

Get out of the bath (as someone else said), and take some time for yourself to do some soul searching about what's best for you - ignore the company, ignore your friends - focus on you - no one else is going to.

I repeat for emphasis: See a doctor. This is treatable.

I'm not sure that's responsible advice. You really want to completely rule out consulting a Dr based on OP's rather brief and casual post?

What a lot of people seem to forget is that you can CALL a Doctor to consult with them. Most Doctors will do this free of charge provided you call during office hours and don't take up too much of their time.

This works better if you have a Doctor already, but some will consult with new patients over the phone.

Just call the office and say you need to ask the Doctor a quick question, and can they call you back when they have a minute.

If one doc fails, try another.

If you're having a real crisis, you should call a hotline or 911.

I'd say overall it sounds like OP just needs to relax a bit (stress is very bad for your health) and get some exercise, but comments like "I can't find the motivation" and "I've been in the bathtub for 10 hours" could be indicative of a more serious condition like depression or say...(to choose randomly) lyme disease* .

We have so little information, it's hard to judge but I don't think it would hurt OP to call their Doctor and get their take on it...they'll prob tell OP to get some sleep, and relax etc...hell maybe they can write a note to get OP out of work for a bit.

If OP does have issues and decides to go the medication route (which I only bring up because you mentioned it, their post doesn't seem to warrant it necessarily, but who knows), they should work with their Doctor to find a suitable drug that is covered by OP's health plan. If they are uninsured the Pharma companies have programs to give you drugs for free (so you rave to your friends about how awesome Astra Zeneca is), or generics are generally affordable especially at places like Walmart.

* I am not an MD, and this is not medical advice

Sometimes medication is necessary for treating mental illness. (I'm on medication right now.) A combination of therapy and medication can be very powerful.

Now, I too would be distrustful of anyone who prescribes medication without any accompanying therapy. If your doctor sees medication as a replacement for therapy--get a different doctor.

There is almost always no way to repair your feelings at your current gig. This isn't a recent thing you are feeling, its the weight of months or years of exposure to toxic materials.

But look on the bright side, you can collect a paycheck while you find an awesome opportunity to move on. Apply everywhere. Take your time. Get a couple job offers. Quit. Take a month off before you new job.

Don't worry about your friends. They can get out on their own.

I've been through this as an engineer at a toxic startup myself.

If the job isn't right for you, then leave.

Trust me, you're replaceable. If you can't find the motivation, take a vacation/sabbatical. If you still can't, leave out of consideration for the people who DO feel it's worth the battle.

Your friends are as employable as you are-- they can fend for themselves.

I swear, take a week off, right now, fuck anyone else whose priorities don't include your well-being. You sound like you're in a pretty dark spot and there's nothing you're going to get done at work in the next week that's more important than sorting out what's up.

Are you near family? Are you near friends who are good enough to be family, but don't work at this job? Get one of them on the phone, tell them what's up, that you need an afternoon of their time to relate your troubles. And unburden yourself.

Hopefully they can give you some good insight, because they know you so well, but it doesn't really matter what they say. This is rubber duck debugging for your life and well-being. You're exhausted and it's dripping through your post. Taking some time to work through what has you so miserable will be crucial to you getting some peace.

If you can afford it, fly or drive somewhere for a couple of days. Turn off your work email if it's delivered to your phone. Get some perspective. It's easy to believe, especially in startup land, that your job is your life. It isn't. It isn't even remotely close. One day when you upload your brain to a digital substrate and instantiate your consciousness in a virtualized environment, you won't even bother remembering this.

None of us can tell you what you should do about your career or your job at the company. But I can tell you, emphatically, that you need some distance from the day-to-day of this job before you can make good decisions for your life. That you care about your friends is admirable, and I respect your passion for getting them out, too. Whoever hires you with the ability to truly see your value is going to be especially lucky. But right now, you can't worry about them. Focus on what you need. Once you're okay, you can work on them.

Others have suggested you see a doctor – I would agree with this advice as well if you feel you're in a downright dangerous spot with regard to your mental health.

edit: Related only through mental state... (cool story, bro alert!)

Around this time last year, my "fuck working for the man, I'm going it alone!" plan had gone pear shaped because I suck at networking and chose a cheap but isolated town as my new home. The plan mostly backfired because it was predicated on my finding some part-time work after moving. Only problem was: 20% unemployment in my new town. Oops.

So, despite making some decent money from iPhone app sales, I wasn't growing my revenues fast enough because of this unexpected hole in my income. Burned through cash that should have lasted a year in about six months.

Miraculously, after six months striking out despite solid credentials and work experience, a place finally got back to me about a part-time position.

At Target.

I love customer service, so the cash register bit was extremely fun for me. Stocking shelves and tidying the store, though, that made me miserable. Tedious and Sisyphean, since it was the holidays and kids would destroy the toy merchandising you'd just spent half an hour on.

I told my management I hated the merch work – and they respected my passion for doing customer service. But I'd be farming the store for another two weeks. That's how the schedule worked.

A week of eight hour shifts like this brought me to the brink. I was miserable. When I wasn't at work, I was constantly dreading my next shift. It was a distraction from my development projects, which ceased to give me joy. I was unkind to the people who care about me. Perhaps immaturely, I was especially ashamed to be making minimum wage for the first time in my life – even in high school I'd done better than this.

So one night my shift starts. I'm an hour in. Yet more merchandising misery. I can't fathom another six hours of this. I'm at my breaking point.

So I smile. I realize that, while I often forget this, I am free.

I push my tub of orphaned merchandise out of anyone's way. I walk to the store's office area and check in my radio, keys and scanner. I find the general manager and explain that I have to leave immediately and I'm not going to come back. She was surprised and confused – she'd complimented my work several times. She explained if I left like this, Target wouldn't ever hire me again.

I was okay with that.

I signed some papers and left. On the one hand – I couldn't believe I was doing this. I'd always been Mr. Responsible. Always gave ample notice. Always the guy you could count on. But in the end I knew that my well-being was more important than being the guy for some retail store in the middle of Oregon.

My troubles, of course, were just beginning. I still needed money. I found gigs teaching people Excel, fixing people's Macs, but eventually the cash all ran out completely. But by then I'd found work in the Bay Area, I relocated, and all was well.

</cool_story_bro>

So in the end, if you're truly miserable, re-assert your control over your own life. It sounds that, like me, you've lost track of the fact that you're running the show. I can only speak for myself but the jolt of energy I got from doing what was good for me was incredible.

Get out of the tub, call a friend, go out and have some fun!

And yes, life is to short and valuable to spend it doing something that you don't give a damn. So if you don't like it don't do it.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your family, not your company, not your boss, neither coworkers nor employees.

1) What are the chances that out of everything you could do with your life, you are currently doing the only thing that is fun/fulfilling/enriching/the right thing etc? Don't fear change. The same skills, curiosity and drive that got you this far can do it again, possibly faster and better the next time around.

2) It's great that you feel responsible for your engineers, but your first and foremost responsible is towards yourself. If you've tried your best to create the kind of team/culture/department you wanted too and it wasn't possible, try again somewhere else before it nags away at you. I assume everyone that works there is an adult, and they can make their own decisions about where they want to work too.

And one more thing: Don't try and be the guy with the money, be the guy smart enough to know how to make the money.

Do yourself and your friends a favor and get paid what you're worth, whether that means more equity and/or more responsibility. If you're worried about the fallout from your friends, as if your friends would shun you for pursuing your worth, check your premises.

What's this bull about everyone being replaceable? That sounds like something your "money holder" would say to try to keep your equity stake low. I left my last company because I didn't feel that I was being paid fairly in equity. It's an unfair and unfortunate situation to be in, but it's really your responsibility to shape up and demand what you deserve.

Good engineers make themselves replaceable by writing legible code. This sort of 'replaceability' is invaluable, and should lead to higher equity if anything.

Although I was a major shareholder, it was pretty clear that everyone was replaceable at any given time.

In the end I resigned simply because the work environment was not compatible. It was affecting my health and being a "free electron" didn't earn any points (except during fundraising rounds).

My suggestion is to take a break and reflect on your experience so far. Try to pinpoint the type of people you want to work with, what your personal boundaries are and what environmental elements can make you happy.

Keep in mind, value exchange will define your position.

1. If you are the only thing stopping them becoming toxic to engineers, they will eventually, regardless of how hard you fight. 2. You have an obligation to yourself to keep yourself healthy, not this company. 3. THEY DON'T DESERVE YOU.

I can't emphasize the last point enough. If you are the ONLY thing stopping them from self-destructing, they deserve to self-destruct. Your preventing them from turning toxic doesn't change the fact that they are predisposed to toxicity. They're crappy company and they deserve what they get.

His state complicated and needed around 15 days stay at the hospital; It also took him around 1.5 year to return to his old mental state. However, the time and also the quantity of Medicines that he did took are still affecting his life deeply.

That's the company's problem, not yours.

My recommendation is to be confident that one way or another you will find a better place. Be calm, but do not stay longer than you should have.

...and yes some people are assholes and they can bring down whole companies. Don't carry that on your shoulders.

GTFO

Both for your own sanity and for the sake of getting some perspective on the whole matter. It's easy to say "take a step back and look at everything"; it's a lot harder to actually take that step.

It's pretty interesting that an idea that dominates popular consciousness so completely right now (depression is a chemical imbalance, take a pill) has such a flimsy basis.

That said, we have empirically observed that if you poke the brain in a certain area with a stick, it will help the depression of many people. We're even on our 3rd generation of sticks (MAOI -> tricycilics -> SSRIs etc.)

From the viewpoint of someone needing relief or the doctor who's trying to help, when e.g. its been found that cognitive-behavior therapy isn't enough (that's something to always try) or something needs to be done before it can be tried, why they work hardly matters given that we have enough experience with the side effects to know they seem to be a good trade-off for the therapeutic effect.

How long was it before we understood how aspirin works?

The only reason we believe otherwise is that for many years positive findings were cherry-picked for publication while negative ones were suppressed. It took a Freedom of Information Act request and years of litigation to get access to the full spectrum of studies, and when they were finally surveyed, the statistical impact was negligible. (Except, as mentioned, for the small portion of the patient base who meet the criteria for severe depression. I don't remember the number.)

Far be it from me to condemn anything that truly helps people, but there is a lot of spin on this topic. Profit motive plus cultural bias is a hell of a double whammy.

But better biochemistry doesn't necessarily produce better living/feeling.

Depressed emotional/behavior state < -- > biochemistry. [can spiral upward or downward together]

A psychologist/ licensed counselor / psychotherapist [ i.e., "talk therapy ] can be really important to help your cognitive processes, keep you on track with reality checks. "Meds" are not magic bullets, do not kick in immediately, and it may take several tries to find one that helps you. Meanwhile, if you don't have sufficiently supportive/sophisticated social network around you, it's important to pay for an experienced professional. Been there. Best of luck.

My advice, then, if you are up for it, is to imagine what would light you up at this company. What would get you excited about it again? Figure that out, and do it. If you really are that good, then have faith in yourself. Give yourself a shot. Give your partners a shot. And if it doesnt work, quit. Unless this company is curing cancer its just not that important.

PS What amazes me about toxic environments is not the number of toxic assholes (actually quite small), but that most everyone else chooses to be enablers for these people.

PPS I did go on meds, but as another poster says here, it can take a while to find the right one - one can make you wired, another lethargic. The best thing to do is exercise and eat right; but the meds can help you get started (IMHO).