For me, it's because it comes with a whole host of classically autistic symptoms like struggling with eye contact, overload from sensory processing, difficulty understanding social norms, etc, but only at times when I'm stressed or otherwise in a low energy mood. I also had to put a lot of effort into learning other people's social norms - my intuitive ones were different in ways which seem similar to other people on the autism spectrum - but unlike some forms of autism, I have been able to learn the rules of neurotypical people to the point that you probably wouldn't be able to tell I was autistic if you met me. I still find a lot of these rules utterly bizarre.
I should read more, but at first blush I'd see this not as a disease, but a coping strategy.
(Side note: if you're from the US, then you may see much more forced socialisation. In europe, quiet people are allowed to be quiet to a much greater degree. It's not seen as rude to be quiet here)
There was a recent study on ADHD and birthdates; the upshot was that kids on the younger end of the age spectrum are medicated for ADHD more if they're young for their grade. Which implies that some number of kids are medicated more for "teacher inconvenience syndrome" than any real disease.
There's a long history of medicine treating different as bad. (The formal academic term is "medicalization of deviance".) So I think it's worth being a bit skeptical that traits that teachers and parents might inconvenient are diseases on the order of foot infections. Rather than, say, how homosexuality was medicalized for decades.
Like what?
One of the ones that bothers me constantly is the "buffer" of small talk that (particularly American) culture forces on us.
For instance: We work together. You have a pencil sharpener. I need to sharpen my pencil.
My preferred way of handling this situation: Hey Mike, can I borrow your pencil sharpener for a minute?
Now, this is OK in American culture, but ONLY IF you've spoken to each other recently. (I had to learn this the hard way.)
If you haven't, the conversation has to go like this:
Me: Hey Mike. Got a minute?
You: Sure. What's up?
Me: I was wondering, could I borrow your pencil sharpener really quick? I have this pencil I need to sharpen.
(And you should always insert a reason there; see https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-wise/201310/th...)
If you don't insert this social "fluff", you come across as rude.
Where this social buffer comes naturally to most people, I get frustrated and annoyed by it. I just want to borrow the dang pencil sharpener and get back to work!
I have come to understand I don't resemble neurotypicals when it comes to this interaction (and it is likely that many others here on HN are not neurotypical either.) NTs enjoy this fluff, and it helps them feel connected to each other. When I don't play by their rules, I'm viewed as cold and callous.
So...I play by their rules, because even though I'm not NT in this way, I still have basic human needs of wanting to feel loved and desired, and I don't want to upset other people.
Isn't this a bit overstated? I'm pretty sure that you could also use bog-standard politeness markers (like, "could you please", "I would really appreciate it", "sorry about asking") and so on and so forth. (You might then come across as being a bit formal and old-fashioned, but certainly not rude!) The underlying motivation in both cases is that you need to make it very clear that you're not issuing an outright demand - and you do this by making it easy for Mike to say no (for any reason or no reason!) and providing plausible deniability. There are things that are closer to "fluff" in other contexts, but even they have their own explanation.
If the justification for something is stated in terms of something that also isn't important to or felt by the autistic person (for example politness), then it can be difficult to be sure what does or does not transgress the social rule.
But definitely empathise with the idea of playing along with to please other people.
- The idea that you should do anything other than tell people directly if you have a romantic interest in them.
- Many politeness or etiquette rules. I get that you shouldn't outright insult people. But I don't understand things like not starting to eat before everyone has their food, fighting over who is going to pay for something, insisting that others go through a door before you (this might be a British thing).
- Gender norms. Why does it make any difference which sex you were born? (other than things that depend on physical characteristics, or are influenced by hormone levels)
This isn't really to do with social norms, but another thing I do that I associate with autism/PDA, is that I have a strong inclination to interpret things literally. usually, I pick up on sarcasm/irony or implied meanings. But also, really often I don't (but I usually very quickly realise that I've missed something based on how people react to my response)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taarof
"... a worker negotiating a salary might begin with a eulogy of the employer, followed by a lengthy bargaining session consisting entirely of indirect, polite language – both parties are expected to understand the implied topic of discussion. Likewise, a shopkeeper may initially refuse to quote a price for an item, suggesting that it is worthless ... Taarof obliges the customer to insist on paying, possibly several times (three times), before a shopkeeper finally quotes a price and real negotiation can begin."
"Taarof plays a large role in the etiquette of food. If you go to any meal, are invited to any house for food, then you will be expected to eat seconds and thirds. You must eat to please the host but at the same time taarof demands that you can’t just go ahead and dig into the food ..."
I learned to put dishes away by just putting one away, or moving a group from one spot to another, then making another move, but never saying "I'll put them all away" as that created anxiety.
Autism isn't a fact about the world, it's a category we use to group traits we think belong together. What's actually going on may be varied and rather complex.
We do this with a lot of words over time. The word atom, for example, means indivisible. For a long time we believed atoms were the fundamental units of matter. To say to a pre-nuclear physicist that we can now "split the atom" is to speak nonsense; to utter a contradiction.
The same goes for universe. Centuries ago, people thought the earth was the centre of the universe and that the stars and other heavenly bodies were fixed upon spheres. Then came the sun-centred model of the solar system, and the universe grew a little bit larger. More recently, the Hubble ultra-deep field dramatically expanded our view of the universe yet again.
But now there are physicists who speak very seriously about about the idea of a multiverse. What the heck does that even mean? It means we decided, after a certain point, to stop changing the meaning of the word universe.
"Demand avoidance can be seen in the development of children, including those on the autism spectrum.
It’s the extent and extreme nature of this avoidance, together with displays of socially shocking behaviour that leads to it being described as 'pathological'."