This has survived 27 years and kids so far.... :-)
We've developed a bit of a different style where I'm her 'safety net' for the things she still puts pressure on herself to do. Like washing/ironing and cooking. Cleaning has mainly been resolved and we do what's needed when needed. House organisation/upkeep is mine, all critical kids care is mine.
But everything else we pretty much just communicate with each other. That seems to have been the key to success so far.
There's also the factor of having done one thing a certain way for a long time, getting a little possessive of it or thinking it's better. "Well, if you do it like this...". :-/
At least y'all are talking about it and you seem to be concerned with having a good balance.
Thinking in terms of "sides", "them", "us" is harmful. Sexism can be internalized by anybody.
I see this brought up a lot, and I get it: we SHOULD be able to treat everybody equally regardless of the bits between their legs, but we haven't gotten there yet.
I think it's counterproductive to be pedantic about language when it's serving a purpose and not hurting anyone. If someone brings up a better way to express this type of thing, then I'll be in total agreement, but I haven't found a better way to do so using the english language.
How about: "Some people, regardless of gender, can perpetuate or reinforce gender roles through speech, action or inaction."
"Some people should be willing to give up traditional gender roles."
I agree that that type of language should be used in general (and I make a concerted effort to use it, even in my native tongue where sex is strongly denoted), but IMHO it's useless when describing specific scenarios.
You can’t trade 1 hour of McDonalds employee for 1 hour of car mechanic, for example. It’s not a fair trade. (And I’m not saying here that these are women’s and men’s roles. Just providing an example.)
What do yo usually eat then ?
The point I'm making in the section you quoted, and which agrees with your other comment about social mimicry, is that the pressure she faces from herself and others to continue to perform this 'traditional' role means now she is the one who said I'm going to do this, you're not going to.
That's not a position she has to be in, it's one shes chosen and actively maintains precisely because of those pressures, not from necessity.
The solution is not merely one sided. Women must also be willing to 'give up' those roles.
Say what you will about men stepping up but my ongoing experience in a marriage with the woman as the bread winner and me as the home maker (with kids) is that my wife puts herself under a lot of 'self' pressure to be the classic mum (baking, cleaning, ironing, washing whatever). She also receives a ton of pressure from her mother and from her friends, intended or perceived it doesn't really matter, to maintain the 'mum to the kids and running the house' meme.
Believe it or not we've had stand up arguments about her not doing the washing and ironing and leaving it to me, because she just can't let it go. The most recent one is wrestling control of the kitchen from her, not in the sense of shutting her out but letting me in. Even food purchasing, I began to solely do that last year but New Year, New Resolutions has brought a return to the 'we'll eat healthily, I'll cook every evening and bake at the weekend' pantomime. Despite the fact we already ate great food and she's away with work for at least 1 week in 6 and the weekly late evenings still in work or day trips away for conferences/meetings.
All this might sound like one big complaint but really it's just to illustrate that it takes both sides to change in order to actually affect change.