Any Idea how to find a company that hires on that abstract skillset, potentially by throwing one into cold water to test for it?

~Someone with little resume-driven experience but good grogging skills

Honestly, the way I got hired recently was by just reading job postings and cramming on the frameworks mentioned in them until I was competent enough to pass an interview/coding challenge. I’m a little peeved that it was essentially company training on my dime, and you have to count on companies not refusing to hire unless you have x years, but it did get me hired.

Big companies understand this and that's reflected in their hiring practices. They don't care what skills you have, just that you're smart.

The way they throw you into cold water is using whiteboard interviews. So if you don't like those... sorry.

No, I wish. The closest you'll get is companies that might hire on transferrable skillsets (e.g., Ruby <-> Python). The best thing you can do is have a portfolio of work that shows your understanding. It's what we had to do when I was doing graphic design and illustration work.