I think most of this entire discussion simply revolves around the young age of the startup scene in general. It's the same with any scene full of people your age.

Now that I'm in my early 30s, I can tell you that anyone this age who's still doing peer pressure is someone you need to remove from your life immediately. Most of us just want to have a few cocktails and call it a night.

BTW, it's not "soma" when used in social situations. It's social lubricant. I'd equate alcohol with soma when a person is sitting on the couch watching NFL or MLB with beer, not caring about anything in the world. Which also has its place in the world, you just don't need to do that on a consistent basis.

Long story short, my advice to you is to find a few older friends who just don't care.

Adding "...tonight" seems like a useful way to avoid of all that, so I may start using it.

Then again, I live in an area where you're more likely to catch flak for drinking then not.

If you are truly comfortable with your own decision to drink you will not see someone else's decision not to drink as a threat.

I've never suffered the line of questioning that people always talk about. Perhaps a single "Why?" which is easily answered with "Personal choice." And honestly, if you deviate from the "norm" a "why?" should be expected and factored into the decision.

There are other decisions where you can expect to be asked "Why?" For example:

I don't have a Facebook account. "Why?"

I don't watch movies/TV shows. "Why?"

It could be argued the "why" isn't important. The question isn't asked out of importance, but out of curiosity. They're curious why I made the decision I made, especially because it is an unpopular decision.

And saying that it's okay to be questioned for your choices just because they're not as common--I have to adamantly disagree.

"Are you okay?" they'd ask. "Yeah, I just don't feel like drinking." Of course, I let them know that it doesn't bother me if they go ahead and have a few. Surprisingly (to me, anyway), after the first couple refusals, I've had several of them tell me that they were envious, and that they'd like to cut back on alcohol, too. I told them to just do it -- it's not hard, and once you get past the first couple of weeks (month tops), you don't even have that urge to drink anymore. This was fairly recent, so only time will tell if they actually follow through.

The main thing for me is that they clearly respect my decision not to drink, a few of them seem to even respect me more for turning them down. I think that'd be very different if I were to make them feel judged or inferior for their own choice to imbibe, however. People in that situation tend to get dismissive and start to mentally justify their own behavior. It can really make someone grumpy ;)

It's really about the nature of the interaction that is the important thing. If they had told me beforehand, and I forgot.. then I'd feel bad. If they copped an attitude about their superiority, then I'd be dismissive of them. But their comfort / emotional state etc is entirely their responsibility as long as I fulfill my responsibility to make them feel welcome - and kowtowing to them is not part of that.

Because for most people whether or not they drink isn't a moral decision, and comparing it to a drug from Brave New World is a wee bit of a stretch.

One of the central themes of Brave New World is the collapse of realism and individualism in the attempt to maintain perfect order (and thus, ironically, control over reality). It's hard to leave that out of any conception of soma, especially when you consider that the pretentious fuck complaining about his coworkers taking "soma" really isn't all that much more enterprising or self-aware than anyone else, in the first place.

Though, in context, I think your interpretation is likely correct.

As someone who never drank until I was 25, I can see your point. However, the negative thoughts people have about "don't rock the boat for being different" have never resonated with me.

I think the whole idea that everyone should always care about everyone else's feelings has gone way too far. I sometimes eat red meat, I enjoy good beer, I don't smoke or do any drugs. We can still be friends whether you agree, or disagree, with any or all of those points. If you don't think so, that's your problem.

Its interesting that the topic changes but the subject never changes. Everyone expects this kind of behavior with food, now a days.

Historically it was normal for religion. You'd agree with your immediate boss or things would get very uncomfortable very quickly. Times change. Maybe someday people who don't drink won't be bullied, much as its pretty much OK to be Jewish nowadays, or whatever else.

Another set of current day examples are progressive/left wing political signalling on social media which is fairly mandatory, and strangely enough the ecosystem your phone belongs to (ios, android, or the also-rans).

It's definitely weird in a social setting when most of it involves drinking. To say it's a tech industry or startup thing is incorrect. From my view so much of the society revolves around alcohol and coffee. It's like people don't know how to have a good time without it.

Edit: a word

When someone says "I don't drink"—an entirely valid and acceptable choice!—at a point in time where we've already established that someone else in the group does, it draws attention to that disharmony. It's not that not drinking is the bad thing, it's just the delta between that and the previously accepted reality that another in the group does. You've subtracted some territory from the common ground.

To get a sense of this, consider an imaginary scene:

A group of people are standing around trying to decide where to go out. The first few people suggest a place that is does not serve alcohol and that they are OK with that since they don't drink anyway. The next person mentions that they do drink.

In this case, it's now the drinker who looks flatfooted, at least as I imagine the scene. To me, then, this indicates that it's not being a non-drinker that's socially awkward, just that expressing a divergent preference that is.

Fortunately, most people have tact and can gracefully handle a little dissonance here regardless of which preference comes up first. Certainly, in the groups I frequent, we try very hard to make non-drinkers and drinkers feel comfortable and included regardless of who makes the first move.

The way this tact gets expressed is through plausible deniability. We express our preferences as vague or potential so that if a clashing preference comes up, it's easy to retreat from ours and get back to common ground.

That's why, at least in American speech, people say things like, "I could go for __." "I would be up for __." "__ sounds good." All of those are softly worded enough that they can be amended later to reach consensus without losing face.

Person: Whatcha' getting?

Me: I'm not totally sure.

Person: How about the steak?

Me: No, I don't really want that. (oh no.)

Person: Really? It's supposed to be really good.

Me: I hear that, but I don't think so, not this time.

Person: Why not?

Me: Well, I don't eat meat at all, actually.

Person: Oh yeah? Are you vegetarian or vegan?

Me: Vegan.

Person: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. The steaks is gonna be so great. Don't you just hate how pushy vegans are? They're always going on and on and on about...

This story happened over and over and over and over and over and over and over to me.

It was the same with not drinking, too. "Why did you only get a Pepsi?"

There was a girl in my dorm during freshman year of college who would literally start sobbing if she saw anyone eat meat.

There are always going to be outliers like that girl, but compare the relative frequency of seeing people like that vs the absurd number of bacon products (jelly, soap, toothpaste).

People like that might make up a small portion of the vegetarian/vegan population, but they are a very vocal minority, which skews perspectives.

If I had a peanut allergy and someone offered me peanuts, should I just not rock the boat and go along with it? No peanuts for me tonight. Then they'll ask again and again. Why not just set them straight in the first place? If that doesn't go over well, it's probably a good idea to not be around those people anyway because those people obviously have no capacity for respect.

There's also this societal concept that everyone has vices. And people would rather be able to recognize and see your vice, rather than have it be unknown. Bill Cosby comes to mind.

Where do you draw the line? I actually agree with you in theory: I think most people should try most things. I think my line, though, is a function of potential for addiction and abuse. On that scale, though, alcohol looks as bad as amphetamines, and far worse than something like MDMA.

If ubiquity is your primary factor, do you feel the same way about cigarettes? Should everyone try them to see what the fuss is about?

I remember an article about how it's more convincing, to pro-gun people, to say,

a) "This measure will reassure Suzy down the street", than

b) "This measure will save lives"

since b) implies a lot of moral culpability for opponents -- even though b) is a better reason for the law (if true).

2) There are parts of the country where not-drinking is normal or at least kept out of view. Say, Utah.

  make people aware of a moral decision

  This response came out unexpectedly negative

I'm sure plenty of people will say it's not OK to bend over backwards to accommodate your guests. I agree with that sentiment as well! Where we'd digress is equating "not serving alcohol" or "choosing fish over meat" to "bending over backwards".

If you're really interested in making someone feel welcome in your home, you can go without booze or steak for one night!

Most unreasonable behavior as a reasonable reason behind it. Never drinking is unreasonable without significant personal/religious reasons. People are understandably curious about your reasons, which generally wouldn't be good small talk (e.g. it killed my X).

Would you have any questions for me? Would you feel strange about drinking the tap water yourself now? Would you wonder why I chose to say "I don't drink tap water" instead of just "No thank you"?