My priority on my phone is my music.
As far as the rest:
Integrated GPS/Maps: I used GPS because I recently moved to a city in which I did not know where things were. As I have become more accustomed to my surroundings, I use the GPS less and less. I can replace this with an actual/physical map, which is what I used to do and do on road trips (I don't rely on GPS on road trips). I like getting lost and exploring my surroundings, actually.
RSS reader: I mostly use this on my PC. I don't need a phone for this. I don't need to be updated on world/breaking news when I'm not on my computer. It's like, why do you need to carry a newspaper all the time? Same deal. If there is an emergency, SMS should suffice. All phones offer SMS.
Phone calls: regular mobile phones do this. I'm not sure why you bring this up and tie it to a smart phone.
The apps that got slow were the messaging apps (Kik, Beluga which got bought off and another which I don't recall the name anymore). They were especially slow-loading. I can do without these if I/everyone had unlimited SMS. I don't play games on it. I don't watch/stream any videos because Verizon 3G sucks.
* Integrated GPS * Maps * An RSS reader * Twitter * Messaging apps * SMS * Phone calls * Music player * Other apps that got slow on the older iOS (?)
And yet you think your smart phone was "an expensive, over-rated, hyped piece of technology and machinery".
You ARE a smart phone makers target audience. Just because you're not running a moon mission on thing doesn't mean it's not performing its intended function. Show me a device that does all that for $10.