slightly offtopic: I would be delighted if Tucholsky had written something hilarious along those lines. But he didn't as far as I know, he focused more on the German language himself.

https://www.eventpeople.de/aktuelles/eventmarket/ratschlaege...

Is https://guidetogrammar.org/grammar/twain.htm not what you are looking for?

I'd expect a lot of moaning about how something is written and how it is spelled to appear to come from two different planets.

I think you're looking for the poem "the chaos" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Chaos

Ghoti.

Fish?