Ahh, the utter tragedy of the Sesamoschism of 1842. The sad thing is that the deadlock between the Correctly Righteous Matriarchaleanbageloptomistrists and the Righteously Correct Matriarchaleanbageloptomistrists all comes down to one member’s error in mixing toasted light sesame seeds with raw dark sesame seeds, and neither side being able to agree which member needed to suffer the rites of immaculate defenestration.

May the bagel balanced be.

Yes, then in 1863 we had a brief window of hope as Frau Blücher, a charismatic blind preacher, wrote her famous “Two Theses” on a bagel bag: “1. I cannot taste the difference; 2. It all looks the same in your stomach.” This ecumenical message sadly did not endure and she too was thrown out of a first floor window.

*Horse Whinnies in the distance*