Really puts the "we've had zero reports" in context though, doesn't it?

I take that to mean there were zero law enforcement reports. Going to law enforcement is always your port of call when dealing with any sort of criminal activity happening as it relates to a tech company. Even Apple says this as it relates to AirTags.

Think about it for a second. If anyone could contact a tech company to get people's information based on a serial number, this would be abused by people who could steal your phone, airpods, or bag containing an airtag, claim to be stalked, contact the manufacturer directly, and get your home address from the manufacturer by giving them the serial number.

"If you feel your safety is at risk, you can contact your local law enforcement, who can work with Apple. You might need to provide the AirTag or its serial number."

https://support.apple.com/guide/personal-safety/stay-safe-wi...