Of course, you could do the detection logic with some autotools-like shenanigans, but then crunch the data (ie run the logic) on a different computer that can run reasonable software.

The detection should all be very small self-contained short pieces of script, that might be gnarly, but only produce something like a boolean or other small amount of data each and don't interact (and that would be enforced by some means, like containers or whatever).

The logic to tie everything together can be more complicated and can have interactions, but should be written in a sane language in a sane style.