In the UAE, I downloaded an app, submitted my docs and my details, and got my card the next day (I went to a bank branch - not the branch of my account but just a random branch to get it printed on the spot, even though they offered home delivery, because I wanted to see the process).

In the UK, I visited a nearby Lloyd's branch and got my account open and my stuff in under an hour.

In India and Switzerland, the bank sent a representative to my place, where they did everything from a handheld device, including verification. Done in an hour and got my card by mail in 1-2 days.

The stuff you mentioned in your summary are excuses and not valid ones at all.