This, I think, depends a ton on the child and the relationship between the parent and child. One of the most amazing moments I can remember was at a dinner party with my ex’s extended family. There were lots of kids. During dinner, one of the kids (around 5 years old maybe?) started making a fuss about something. His mom leaned over and whispered something in his ear, his expression changed from upset to… kind of quizzical for a moment, and then I hear him whisper back “thanks!” His demeanour was perfect the rest of the meal, but in a happy friendly way, not the quiet sulking you often see after a child is chastised.

After dinner I absolutely had to figure it out. He didn’t say “sorry” he said “thanks”?! I go up to the mom (who I’d never met) and say something like “that was amazing! What on earth did you say to him?”

“Oh, all I said was ‘you’re being inappropriate.’ He’s a super conscientious kid, he doesn’t really need to be punished most of the time, he just needs a bit of clear, unemotional feedback. For him and me, yelling or threatening punishment escalates things, but this works great for us! Now, my daughter… that’s entirely different!”