Re:Tell HN: I'm an Imposter
by noduerme on Friday April 22, 2022 @08:52PM
(#31130193)
I'm also a person who sometimes has to check myself, realizing I have a tendency to start talking too much, or take over a conversation. It's just that I have a lot to say. I listen, too; but sometimes I can be a bad reader of when I've said too much. I never learned that "manly virtue" of being stoic and silent.
That being said, it's possible to punish yourself way too much for what you did or didn't say, dissecting every conversation afterwards. I was a very shy kid. I had a lot of thoughts, but I didn't speak up. I would describe myself as someone on the spectrum who figured out how to communicate using a different methodology than most people; it didn't come naturally. When suddenly around 15 or 16 I began to get confidence, it loosened up my tongue, maybe way too much. At certain points, especially in my 20s, I remember thinking that I was going too far (trying to impress, or to make a point) and sounding like an idiot. But I was extremely hard on myself about this, like I think you are being. I would have a great conversation with someone and then wake up the next day feeling suicidal because I was sure they thought I was stupid or annoying. Even when this bore no relationship to reality. Even with people who liked me and wanted to hang out.
One thing that helped me was a year I spent in therapy - specifically, existential therapy. It helped me see that I'm just what I am, we're all just what we are. No one's perfect, and no one spends anywhere near as much time analyzing my social faux pas as I do. That at most, people might think I'm eccentric or a curiosity. And being so hard on myself took away the pleasure of relating to other people, put too much focus on me, and made me too defensive. Why was I always worried about being judged - why did I assume that everyone else was judging me and yet I always accepted them for who they were? So much comes out of your own sense of self-doubt. It colors your interactions in ways you hardly realize, and it can lead to a dark place when you're trapped in your own head that way.
That being said, it's possible to punish yourself way too much for what you did or didn't say, dissecting every conversation afterwards. I was a very shy kid. I had a lot of thoughts, but I didn't speak up. I would describe myself as someone on the spectrum who figured out how to communicate using a different methodology than most people; it didn't come naturally. When suddenly around 15 or 16 I began to get confidence, it loosened up my tongue, maybe way too much. At certain points, especially in my 20s, I remember thinking that I was going too far (trying to impress, or to make a point) and sounding like an idiot. But I was extremely hard on myself about this, like I think you are being. I would have a great conversation with someone and then wake up the next day feeling suicidal because I was sure they thought I was stupid or annoying. Even when this bore no relationship to reality. Even with people who liked me and wanted to hang out.
One thing that helped me was a year I spent in therapy - specifically, existential therapy. It helped me see that I'm just what I am, we're all just what we are. No one's perfect, and no one spends anywhere near as much time analyzing my social faux pas as I do. That at most, people might think I'm eccentric or a curiosity. And being so hard on myself took away the pleasure of relating to other people, put too much focus on me, and made me too defensive. Why was I always worried about being judged - why did I assume that everyone else was judging me and yet I always accepted them for who they were? So much comes out of your own sense of self-doubt. It colors your interactions in ways you hardly realize, and it can lead to a dark place when you're trapped in your own head that way.