Ah, chicken. The quintessential centerpiece of a weeknight meal. I fondly remember my childhood in Kentucky, rolling in a pile of leaves until the warm, scrumptious smell of roast chicken wafted out from the kitchen into my eager young nostrils. I can go on for hours about this, and I will, but I knew that someday billions of people would lovingly read this long, overcooked story before dinner because it was their inner heart's desire.

Preheat oven, insert chicken.