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A comment on When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected. Parent comment

Re:When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marr... by aantix on Wednesday January 19, 2022 @10:43AM (#29995054)
Deep love is practiced, not an accident.

I've found that when I'm honest about my feelings, even the messy ones, honest about my thoughts, even if they don't paint me in a good light, my spouse hears me and eventually, accepts me. And it makes me fall in love all over again.

It frees up my consciousness. I don't have to do the mental dance of "oh, you can say this, but don't say that. Say it this way, not that way. Don't mention this."

And I have to do my best to afford her the same.

You have the choice of either a 10 minute, awkward conversation, putting everything in on the table. But having your conscious cleared. Zero parallel threads running in the back of your mind. :)

Or keep these thoughts in the back of your head for months/years, where you expend mental energy suppressing them, sacrificing your creativity, closeness, and vitality. You'll find yourself getting mad at seemingly superficial stuff when the honest truth is because you're seething or ashamed or afraid, with so much to say.

Your choice. Choose the courageous path. Surrender the outcome.

- Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth

https://hendricks.com/newwp/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Micro...

- Great story from Michael Brody, SAAS entrepreneur, ex-addict

(1. Practice Rigorous Authenticity, 2. Surrender the Outcome, 3. Do the Uncomfortable Work)

https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_brody_waite_great_leaders_...

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Re:When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marr... by bongothrowaway on Wednesday January 19, 2022 @11:09AM (#29995512)
Hear, hear. I've found the same. Love, like any sort of relationship, takes work and compromise, but when you do it with honesty and candidly, it grows far more easily.
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Re:When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marr... by aantix on Wednesday January 19, 2022 @05:06PM (#30000973)
“When a person realizes they have been deeply heard, their eyes moisten. I think in some real sense they are weeping for joy. It is as though they were saying, "Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me.”

― Carl R. Rogers

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Re:When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marr... by granshaw on Wednesday January 19, 2022 @11:23AM (#29995699)
Be honest about your feelings, but still strive to be deserving of her, that’s what I try to practice :)
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Re:When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marr... by chillacy on Wednesday January 19, 2022 @04:01PM (#30000058)
> - Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth

I first encountered this idea from the Conscious Leadership Group (Gay Hendricks works with them), and now I can't help but notice that it seems to apply to HN comments (and the result of a given thread), as choices in the words and grammar of each statement.

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Re:When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marr... by aantix on Wednesday January 19, 2022 @04:33PM (#30000492)
Jealous that you've got to attend one of their groups. That's so awesome.

Their work has helped my second marriage to be 10x what my first one was.

Them teaching me to tell the difficult truths was a big part of that.

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Re:When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marr... by nvarsj on Wednesday January 19, 2022 @04:13PM (#30000222)
But what you describe is rare like the OP points out. For two people to be so honest and open and direct with each other requires large amounts of maturity and mutual respect and selflessness. Which, to be honest, is rare enough in a single human these days, let alone two that manage to find themselves together. If you have that, I’m truly envious.
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Re:When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marr... by aantix on Wednesday January 19, 2022 @04:29PM (#30000423)
I was addressing this statement from OP

>reserved only for the deepest of lovers

For some reason I interpreted this as deep love being random. Maybe that wasn't the intent, after re-reading it.

Just wanted to demonstrate what had worked for me to rekindle intimacy. And that it was teachable.

The book "Conscious Loving" by Gay and Kaitlyn Hendricks is the book that talks about telling the Microscopic Truth. It's helped me tremendously.

I enjoy their newsletter a lot. They discuss in detail many of the concepts in their books. And it's free.

Relevant to this conversation -

Here's Why Sharing Your Emotions - Even The Messy, Angry Ones - Is Critical For A Great, Intimate Relationship

https://www.heartsintrueharmony.com/m/email/ar/truth-our-emo...

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