Touch Bars have had a separate, physical ESC key since 2019. I'm looking at one right now.

ESC itself doesn't cut it for me. With my resting hand position on the keyboard, my fingers touch the touch bar, and it always causes something either catastrophic or very frustrating. On a similar note, I'd gotten used to pressing Fn keys without looking at the keyboard. With touch bar, I have to carefully analyze the touch bar before doing anything with Fn keys. It's a very problematic experience overall. If it was a separate bar, I wouldn't have any of these issues.

Due to years of vocal complaints from developers since 2016.

Sure, but "both would be ideal" exists. You can have an Escape key and Touch Bar, if you want.

I think two rows of function keys would be ideal!

Each with a little OLED display, please. (Why hasn't this happened yet??)

It's not "ideal". Function keys are exactly that: physical keys. Something you can use without looking down at your keyboard.