"In unrelated news, piracy levels have steadily increased since Microsoft unveiled the latest version of their popular OS. Bizzarly pirates seem to be targetting the 'Pro' variant exclusively. Microsoft officials stated that this is a worrying sign that even stronger online security and surveillance is necessary. The company has therefore been working on a new authentication system, which will require the user to be hooked up to an EEG at all times to remain connected to their session. Microsoft said this will be their most secure platform yet!"