It's because it mines Bitcoins to generate heat, so it must be connected to the Bitcoin network.

Also the part where the toaster version is 6 years out of date and someone gains root access and deletes all your data

As an avid toast data-logger that would really put me over the edge. I have 9 years of daily toast data and I graph it in interesting ways a la Mr. Wolfram

But you don’t store your toast data in the toaster do you?

The cloud is just somebody else’s toaster.