I only know through friends, but dating in your 30s seems like an absolute nightmare - they all hate it and find it completely joyless and deeply cynical. Trying to fit someone new into an already fully-formed life at that point seems very hard.

Also 35 is the point where medicine considers a pregnancy to be 'geriatric'. And some people are going through menopause by 40! You don't have an infinite amount of time in life no matter how positive your outlook!

Well, a different perspective (as someone who was unwillingly tossed back into the dating pool at age 38).

While online dating was indeed a bit of a nightmare, dating older women in general was a net positive for me.

I liked people who have lived life a bit, made mistakes, hopefully learned from them, are past the point of obsession about body type, and are more focused on character and how to treat/be treated properly.

People do learn and grow as they age, and most of us become better people.

> Also 35 is the point where medicine considers a pregnancy to be 'geriatric'.

Which is a dated term that isn't used frequently. Yes the risks for certain things increase after 35 but pregnancy after 35 or 40+ is healthy and common.

> some people are going through menopause by 40!

The average age of Menopause is 51, before 40 is considered "premature menopause".

https://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/premature-menopause-sy...

Not to mention that plenty of people (men and women) just don't want kids.

The technical term was 'geriatric primagravida' for us with a first child at 32! It felt quite insulting at the time.

>I know people who met and got married in their 40s...

It all depends on what you're looking for I guess. Certainly you can get married in your 40s. But at that point having a single child, let alone a few, becomes a monumental task. It's not an imaginary deadline. Fertility falls off a cliff at 35 [0].

[0] https://www.kinderzeit.org/en/fertility-by-age/

> becomes a monumental task

Even ignoring the fact that fertility treatments exist...

1 in 4 healthy women in their 20s and 30s will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle. (The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, 2018)

1 in 10 healthy women in their 40s will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle. (The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, 2018)

hardly monumental

Nobody is saying it's impossible, on average - but people aren't aggregate statistics. Some women are already going to be unable to get pregnant by 35, more by forty. Many more will struggle, but might be able to get pregnant. I believe the study you cited is biased by excluding some of these as 'unhealthy' - essentially it is limiting the population to just women who still can get pregnant at these ages.

Once more, the number of chromosomal abnormalities skyrockets after 30 and by 40 around three quarters of eggs (or more, for an individual) will have serious abnormalities.

Even if only a small fraction of women would struggle at 35, but could have gotten pregnant at 25 - for her it's a tragedy. And she is not helped by these messages that 'no worries it's easy to get pregnant at 40'

Well that is a much softer point than the one I was responding to which called the age related fertility decline “monumental” in support of the implied conclusion that it is somehow imperative for otherwise healthy women to have children by their 30s.

Regarding your anecdote I do not see its relevance to a discussion of population statistics. People can be infertile because they were paralyzed in a car accident but that doesn’t mean the original claim wasn’t overstated and now walked back.

Regardless, I think narrowing in this specifically on reproductive biology of women in the context of who you date and how you think about relationships is a recipe for failure. Not only does it have somewhat creepy bio-essentialist connotations, but socioeconomic factors and healthcare access also have huge impacts on the health and success of any given pregnancy and childhood/life.

In short, "I have to date right now because I'm 30 and my hypothetical childbearing vessels are becoming less optimal" is an unhealthy and probably incorrect attitude.

I'd agree that it's a poor sole reason to date, but its definitely something to think about if you really want children. Two of my girlfriends in their mid 30s are 'technically' able to get pregnant but functifinally unable due to PCOS - its biologically possible for them to get pregnant (handful of viable eggs left, occasional good cycles). Not a lot of women get advice as teens like 'you have PCOS, you're going to really struggle to have children and its only going to get worse if you wait'.

1) Fertility treatments are expensive and don't work for everyone

2) "1 in 10 healthy women in their 40s will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle". I.e. there is a 90% chance that a woman over 40 will have at least some difficulty getting pregnant. Likely more than that if their partner is similar in age because male fertility declines with age as well.

3) Getting pregnant is only the first step. Miscarriage rates also increase with age.

> 2) "1 in 10 healthy women in their 40s will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle". I.e. there is a 90% chance that a woman over 40 will have at least some difficulty getting pregnant.

That is not what it means. It is unlikely at any age to get pregnant in one menstrual cycle.

"Each month, the average 30-year-old woman has about a 20% chance of getting pregnant. A 40-year-old only has a 5% chance of getting pregnant each month."

https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-are-the-chances-of-getti...

Not just conceiving; _having_ a baby becomes much harder as you age. Birthing is a pretty physically stressful process for lots of women, and the following few years is a lot of very hard work. The most demanding of your life, probably.

Edit: Wanted to add, though, that _dating_ in your 30s and 40s just gets better and better. Don't worry about that. Maturity is a bonus, not a drawback.

Getting pregnant is not the only risk factor that rises.

Good luck if you plan on having kids after 40 though...