You should try using android trackphones. The instant it connects to a network it will download gigabytes of crap and launch it in the background. It doesn't matter what you're trying to do, whatever it is will get killed because all the malware needs more memory. Apps you want to install will be added to the end of the long queue. The (expensive!) cellular data will be instantly burned through by Facebook and friends.

It's incredible. Personal computing is well and truly dead for the "consumer."