On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by graphtrader on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @05:26PM (#27043099)

I just don't think people value sexual compatibility enough.

If you aren't compatible sexually then you are not compatible.

I have been married twice. My first wife was practically my "soul mate", we had the same taste in everything. We were best buds, everything was perfect besides our sex life sucked. It always led to conflict and problems.

My wife now we have almost nothing in common when it comes to taste, art, music, hobbies, nothing. We have an amazing sex life though. I couldn't be happier.

That is not how it works in the movies. I am supposed to meet my first wife and live happily ever after. It is the difference between real life and fiction.

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by e40 on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @06:08PM (#27043488)

I just don't think people value sexual compatibility enough.

Agreed, but I think it's deeper: when I was in my 20's I didn't even know what sexual compatibility was. Given that, how could I even have made it a criteria for partner selection?

That assumes people figure out their sexuality. I've seen way too many people that didn't figure it out until their 50's. Like, "heterosexual until later in life" figure it out. And, there's an entire spectrum until that.

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by supernovae on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @06:16PM (#27043556)

Not sure you ever figure it out, you just live it as you go along.

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by e40 on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @07:40PM (#27044248)

I agree. I think there's a long tail past a certain point, though. After a certain age, my preferences didn't really evolve much. Before that? Very rapidly, and much of it was just personal discovery.

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by maest on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @05:40PM (#27043234)

I think some imortant parameters are: age when you started and ended first marriage, age when you started second marriage, current age.

I suspect sexual compatibility lowers in importance as people age.

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by stevenicr on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @07:03PM (#27043947)

I had thought similar for some years / decades.. the past few years my views on older people having sex / not / alot etc have changed quite a bit.

Certainly there are some old couples that stay together without good sex for different reasons, religios beliefs and such...

But if you are an intimate couple - that includes sex. If you are not having sex you are just roomates / friends - and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know a few different people in thier 70's right now having really great sex because they have found new partners, and because it's great they are having a lot of it.

So it could be less important if both people's only goals are stability or other goals - however we are seeing from reports in retirement communities and nursing homes that whether it is the loss of partner through death or divorce or just ageing single into a new community of options - that people are indeed searching for sexual compatibility as they age - often times with many more partners later in life than mid-life.

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by capableweb on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @05:51PM (#27043335)

The most parameters are: who you are as a person and all that comes with that.

Saying that this matters less when that, or you'll loose interest in sex as you grow older simply won't fit for a lot of people. But for a lot maybe it will.

But since all of this is such a inherently personal thing, its opinion around the world will be as divided as our own butts.

[ Parent | on HN ]