On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by tomc1985 on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @01:40PM (#27040236)

  EDIT to add: the best explanation that I've heard for the feeling men have of basic unhappiness without romance and sex is toxic masculinity; the general societal rejection of deep emotional relationships between straight men. Lonely? Make strong friendships! Spend your time with other men who like you and enjoy your company and validate you. A partner is not a replacement for the natural circle of close friends humans are supposed to have. I'll be honest that I'm not the best at doing this, to my own detriment, but I think it's basically the solution.

I don't agree with this. The desire to bone isn't 'toxic masculinity' and isn't something easily substituted with more friends (unless they are of the "with benefits" variety). In me, at least, it is a distinct and real feeling of need without easy substitutes. More friends may lead to more romantic opportunities, sure, but that is indirect and subject to circumstance.

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Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by BeFlatXIII on Wednesday May 05, 2021 @08:59AM (#27049282)

If it were only about the desire to bone, then “just visit your local prostitute” would be the accepted obvious solution. The need for stable companionship is not as easily solved. Luckily, it is not tied to sexual attraction, like the drive to bone.

Close platonic friendships that outlast romances are more healthy than requiring each new girlfriend to be your primary means of emotional support. The lack of social interactions outside of work and wife is also a cause of codependent burnout: it’s unreasonable to expect that the same person is good in bed, a loving mother to your children, primary full-time emotional support, and a chef.

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Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by lurquer on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @02:41PM (#27041178)

Even the most logical and unemotional person has to grapple with the pon farr every now and again.

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Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by DyslexicAtheist on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @02:28PM (#27040969)

it's also a question of age I think.

what I recall from my time in my 20ies my desire to be sexually active was a lot more dominant and in charge of my higher faculties than what it is today nearing 50.

biology determines how strongly we feel we need to be with a partner I think. I accepted much more toxicity and negativity just to not be alone (allowing control by my partner over my emotions and was far more ready to compromise) than what I'm today.

Today any potential relationship needs to be solid on a mental level first before I'd even consider going further. That certainly wasn't the case in my early 20ies. Also I'm today able to spend time by myself (and not just get by but really enjoy my own company, thoughts etc ...)

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Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by tomc1985 on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @04:16PM (#27042357)

I think that varies highly between individuals. I consider myself high libido and it's something I have to deal with fairly often, otherwise it starts screwing with my faculties. And the desire has not changed much since my 20s, even if I've learned to be more comfortable in the things that intersect with it

The concept of a dead bedroom absolutely terrifies me. Like, why bother with a relationship if the one person you can have sex with doesn't ever want to have sex?

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Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by watwut on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @05:00PM (#27042832)

If the primary thing you want is sex, does it makes sense to tie some relationship to it? Like, in place where prostitution is legal, all you would need is either that or partner that don't mind you having extra.

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Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by tomc1985 on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @05:02PM (#27042858)

I wouldn't call it a primary thing, more like an essential component of a romantic relationship. Otherwise, a couple is what? Very committed best friends (I would hope)?

And on your other point, polyamory is increasingly common and a very valid way for people to approach such an inclination

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Re:On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness by cushychicken on Tuesday May 04, 2021 @02:14PM (#27040736)

>The desire to bone isn't 'toxic masculinity' and isn't something easily substituted with more friends (unless they are of the "with benefits" variety)

Wow, that's two turns of phrase that erode your point in one sentence.

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