HN is somewhat unique in not fostering or tolerating that sort of thing. Sure, sometimes a comments gets downvoted, because it expresses an unpopular view, but not so much if it is well thought-out & presented. And it's extremely rare to come across comments that are mean or otherwise unproductive without it quickly going dead. It's no Utopia of internet peace & tranquility, but you can have a real conversation.
We have a similar problem in The Netherlands. For starters it is hard to buy a house (mortgage), free sector rent is expensive, and social housing is in huge shortage. Result: Young adults remain living with their parents. Daughter of my neighbor is well within her 30s, still living with mom.
Generic going out meetups tend to be very strange, and socially awkward.
Before Corona hit I would go to tech meetups and board gaming meetups. I'd specifically warn against going to a Meetup thinking that you're going to get anything out of it aside from just enjoying the Meetup itself.
With that in mind, I happen to meet a nice girl last year after asking if she was there for the meetup. She wasn't , but she took my number down and we enjoyed each other's company.
But if you're looking at meetups in your area, and you're imagining which one's going to be the best, to meet someone you're not going to have a good time . You'll be so focused on that, you won't enjoy yourself.
You're in the US so there's probably not English meetups, but there's probably an Esperanto interest group or you could try to find a group for another language you're learning.
I haven't personal been to SF but I figure you there's SIGs for a tech stack you like.
Once you realize social media is mostly fake validation seeking behavior you can decide if that's what you want . Ends up being tons of stress and mental anguish for nothing at all. I'll say without a doubt people are absolutely meaner via social media vs real life. I recall when I lived in Chicago how everyone in certain areas knew each other. Act like a jerk and word travels fast. Thus this keeps people friendly. On Reddit, which I had to step back from , it take 10 seconds to create a username. Then you can throw out all types of vitriol at people you'll never meet. Why be apart of that ? I do find Reddit to be very helpful if you have a specific technical question, but the moment you venture out of tech people get really nasty really fast. I'm still debating if it's worth returning to.
It's at the point where I might hire someone to run the social media accounts for a product I may be releasing. I have absolutely no interest in using social media myself.
I have a sort of live now list for once Corona ends