I just want to have a place where I can tick, "Google, please never ever collect any of my data".
But I don't have such a thing, not because it's impossible to create one.
> I just want to have a place where I can tick, "Google, please never ever collect any of my data".
You are asking for a paradox.
Have you tried incognito mode?
The only right way forward is to be parsimonius with data. Never pass it along, never collect it (if possible).