This can be so surprisingly effective that it is almost scary. And while I'm at it: it works with many adults too.
Use with caution. Leadership is good and kids needs to go to bed at night, but manipulation isn't what you want to be remembered for.
Other nice-to-knows to be used with caution:
- as kids start to negotiate, add slack for negotiations.
- "catch them" when they do something right, reward it immediately (with encouraging words, a hug, increased trust - or even a piece of chocolate)
- look for the intentions - or anything that was right even if the intent wasn't there:
-- tried to do something right but failed? Good! (On the other side: there's few things as discouraging as gettig a scolding when you thought you did something good.)
-- used to slam the door but closed it carefully for some reason (hands full, in the phone, etc)? Good.
About that time you need to explain why we have regular baths.
Man, I remember when I started deciding things for myself... at 16-17! 'so you want to go to prep school, university, or eng. school?' WTF I don't even know what I want for dinner... I feel this is something that needs to be trained the soonest possible. See what you feel when asked to chose. Decide something. See how you feel when you've taken option A or B (or feel when you don't like any of the available options! And learn to think outside the box!). See what happens when you change your mind before you started A. Or after you've started B and think 'I should have done A'. With your parents, friends, teachers. It's amazing how teaching this to my little kids with a positive and caring attitude has shown me how hard and important it all is! And it's even harder for collective decisions!
Something amazing for twin children: they also have the opportunity (or the burden sometimes) to see how their choices affect others and how important negociating, defending, compromising is.
Those books that GP cited are gold. The whole Positive Education movement is, I think, a way to a better future, with balanced and reasonable members of the citizenry. And I ache for all the children with have parents that don't even have the tiniest bit of empathy and interest for their children.
The fake choice thing, though, never EVER worked with my kids.
sometimes they'll talk, then mutter to confusion then emit blips because they heard words coming from you, then all of a sudden they'll have a burst of excitement again.
It covers empathy (actually listening and confirming feelings) but is largely about how to enable extrinsic motivation, through encouraging autonomy, mastery, and purpose.
One rather concrete example is that the authors argue it is no good to say, e.g. "if you take a bath you'll get this nice gift" or "if you don't take a bath I will remove your video gaming time for the day."
More effective, according to the authors, are to give a choice, even if it is somewhat of a forced one: "I want you to take a bath. Do you want to bathe with your boat or your duck?"
This, then, would speak to the same desire to explore as the hidden option in the article. (Or, the way I view it having read Drive: this gives the child a hint of autonomy.)