It's not that simple though. I see it can help us cope better if we label them as assholes, but the fact remains that the filter is there and it is silent. Nobody will tell you these things to your face, you just go through life and never get told the insider infos that people with the right background get access to. And as others have written, faking it is almost impossible anyway. Even if you have your clothes perfectly, you won't have all the right manners and mannerisms, tone etc. As someone coming from Eastern European village folk I know I will most likely never be an insider to those circles in Wester Europe or America (lawyers, doctors, professors, intellectuals etc). I feel it in every little bit fancier dinner event (academia or industry) or other similar stuff that I'm a bumbling outsider. It's not just "assholes", normal people to whom these things come naturally judge you too.

But it's ok. I did learn in my upbringing that my only value will come from studying and skills and being useful. While rich upper class people are seen to have intrinsic value by belonging to the elite tribe, through a deep web of generation-bridging connections, us plebs must deliver and are only valuable as long as we produce.

Software development and CS are good areas for this, as it requires a lot of effort beyond theatricals and signaling and there is a lot of demand so the elite does pay us through their teeth because they have to, even if they resent our nature in their bones. Although there are definitely restrictive interpretations of "cultural fit" at certain tech companies. But even as an immigrant, work in tech is one of the best ways to a comfortable life. It can be materially comfortable, but integrating to the high circles is practically impossible. We must learn to embrace and find pride in who we are I guess and stop pretending. Being authentic may be a better choice even if it goes with sacrifices.

But overall, dismissing it as just assholes does not reach deep enough. It is an issue to grapple with and process. There is a silent glass ceiling for most of us and it's definitely even a lot lower than mine for many others.

Upon re-reading my post I think I have add that the concept of "elite" is tiered. I myself am part of a circle of white collar workers and get at least sometimes to fancy dinners where I'm not quite confused with the janitor etc. And even if I was born into the next higher class, there would be next higher circles I couldn't reach. Being, say,in a lawyer dynasty doesn't may not be enough for certain things, but I have to admit I don't know the distinguishing signals at those levels.

The point is that it may feel frustrating to feel excluded, but everyone feels that except multi-billionaires. I'd say therefore that after ensuring a Western middle-class level of comfort, the rest is mostly a mental game of accepting one's place, as there's always something higher that you can frustrate yourself over.

The point is that even a Western middle class level of comfort is beyond the reach of most of the population.

It would be interesting and possibly revealing to research the source class of tech workers to see how many don't come from a middle class background.

The only research I could find at short notice was this from the UK:

https://www.bcs.org/media/1652/social-mobility-report.pdf

The UK and the US both have poorer social mobility than Europe, so the figures in the US are likely to be even lower than here.

> The point is that even a Western middle class level of comfort is beyond the reach of most of the population

Depends on the country, and I'm not sure it's the same effect, ie not being able to pass culturally due to upbringing mismatch. Probably true for those growing up in very poor, crime ridden places where they can't learn the basic hygiene, punctuality etc needed for work.

As for social mobility, anecdotally, from who went where in my circles, tech and engineering are definitely higher in this than law and economics. Whatever is more concrete and harder to muddle the waters, is better suited for outsiders as a ladder. But the really big money is always in softer things but they a better gate-kept. I don't really think anyone tries to gatekeep the hard fields or trades too much. It's also why "the Polish plumber" is a meme. Easter European immigrants can take up such jobs and often reach a middle class income. I know many simple hardworking people who couldn't progress much due to cultural fit, but do make decent money in England/Germany etc. with physical work (like transporting stuff, setting up stages, cutting trees). Their kids do have a chance to enter the cultural middle class then.

Yeah, the elite pay us through their teeth because they have to, and they inject billions into AI research aiming to automate everything, coding included.

Just as an aside, I think the phrase is “pay through the nose”. There is another phrase to “lie through your teeth” though, so maybe a it’s a “rocket surgery” type thing (I.e it’s not rocket science/brain surgery)

A quick google seems to indicate that it has been used, but my gut tells me it’s not right.

Slightly ironic given the subject of parent’s comments.

I think 'pay through the nose' means pay a lot. Whereas 'pay through the teeth' means pay even through you don't want to.

I think the English idiom OP was aiming for is "pay through gritted teeth" (ie, reluctantly).

You're right, I did confuse the two and I actually know both. (I will admit I mostly read non-fiction and these phrases rarely come up). Perhaps I should read more proper literature to become an insider, haha.

Nah your writing is great, don’t worry. Language is fluid and I think it’s more fun to see it used differently in various places. If it makes sense to you, why not use these words?

Imagine if the person who said the phrase is ‘not right’ told you instead that you poop in the 'wrong' way?

Is there really a ‘wrong’ way to live or wrong way to do things? Or are there just different or alternative ways?

> Is there really a ‘wrong’ way to live or wrong way to do things? Or are there just different or alternative ways?

Yes to the former, some people go around murdering and stealing. I’m not being facetious, there’s a whole philosophy bent on subjectivism which is super interesting.

Dressing as if you don't care what other people think is also communication.

Our choice of clothes communicates a great deal even if we don't want it to - there is no escape from this game.

Instead of merely dressing as if you don't care, you can just not care what other people think.

You are right that you still cannot escape potential consequences of this particular game, but at least you can escape being actively involved in the game itself.

Of course, there are always consequences to everything in life, but you don't have to be an active participant in everyone else's games. Just play the games you want to play.

Now, the consequences to this game do seems to be quite real. My wife is more successful in certain respects than I am, I believe, in part because she is good at playing that particular game while I just can't be bothered to give a damn.

Why not exactly like a hobo then. Wouldn't that make you an asshole too to make the distinction?

The only difference is your level of steps is just smaller.

There are many non-asshole people who might care if your clothes had never been washed & were full of gaping holes. For example, if they were trapped in an elevator with you.

But to be generous, maybe you know relatively well-dressed hobos.

Except it turns out that everyone's an asshole.

Counterpoint: dressing that way says "I don't care" and is an indication of who you are as a person. First dates, interviews, just walking on the same sidewalk... all situations where we should be making judgement calls about how close we choose to get to you.