All I can conclude now is that your "very deep" experience didn't even involve reading the literature or understanding the arguments. Your description of "antifa" is not reflective of anything actual antifa people say about their own beliefs. There are certainly people who also are antifa who express beliefs like you're expressing, but it doesn't define antifa. The only thing that does is being anti-fascist.

It it possible that you found yourself attracted to a particularly violence-prone group then, fell out with that group, detached yourself from the underlying philosophy and attached yourself to another violence-prone ideology that just happens to target your former in-group for violence?