Well it's great that you admit you might be wrong. 99% of people are so limited in their thinking that the thought of being wrong wouldn't even cross their minds :)

That being said, always understand that in marketing - it's not about YOU.

It's about the prospect.

Like I said... test something fancy against something longer (but written by a great copywriter... just because it's long doesn't mean it's good).

Let the test dictate who your market is :)