I am so stressed, distressed, angry, in pain that I don't even know at this point. I need stability so I can assess things. See what the baseline is without all this bullshit here. I need to get back to Warsaw where I lived before and my only friends and reliable doctors are,or at a minimum some European city with dense services, affordable healthcare, and transport so I can live within a small area. This country is too costly and lacking in services in this rural hell, and I don't trust the healthcare anymore in general. But anything will require money. I cannot earn well or at all because my health requires all my energy to endure most days except for basic household stuff and even some days I don't move much at all. I simply cannot dig down like one can when they were a 20yo and scrap and build a new foundation. I don't know if I would EVER be able to work reliably...but for sure never full time.The money I have access to isn't enough for anywhere and there is no safety net. I have no insurance. When they ruined my health they took away my means to guarantee that financial security...and then denied assistance. Nothing went right.

People always think you should be able to do more than you say but my body is the boss and will fall out from under me and that takes my mental state with it...as you can see now. Nearly two years ago someone here offered me a very bespoke job part time with the ability to immigrate, but my health problems and personal tragedies (family betrayals and death of the person I loved most...one I may have been able to prevent had I been back there instead of across the world) all came at the right time to confound even THAT chance. Now things are even worse physically, financially, and mentally and my capabilities less. In a modern country I'd be on social aid so I could have stability and time to assess and long term help if I couldn't improve...not feel I would be cast out at any moment with no survivable path. Maybe I'd be like this for the rest of my days...maybe I can improve a little and do more. I can't know until I have that security and access to trustworthy doctors and systems...and those are not here in America.

This is very difficult, to be sure. Betrayal is a very hard pill to swallow, and the death of a loved one likewise.

You mention Warsaw as a place where things might be better. It looks like you could fly there from NY for maybe $300 on a good day. Is this a plan you could shoot for?

I am not in NY and it costs a lot more than that as a rule. But that's not even the issue. getting a flight is not a block. It's how to survive long term financially when there. How to legalize without some immigration means which is mostly predicated on money. How to do all that with poor health and people actively fighting you and trying to take away more agency. It's a lot more than just "moving". "Moving" has been my plan since the day I came back from there. I'd have done it then if it was realistic. If money were no object I would have never left, or once here packed up myself and my cat and moved back. Back then my health wasn't good but wasn't as bad and I might have had even some good days. Now it's worse all I want is mostly not miserable days, mostly survivable days. I would accept that. But I cannot even get that.