Thanks! Read more on your bio, and the same respect goes both ways. We're nowheres near perfect, and what the criticism rather than a simple "oh that's great, definitely send me an invite" response you usually get.
- This pitch was meant to be longer, but my goal is to really make the problem the first priority. Quicker is definitely better. The one liner needs to be improved significantly.
-Normally we'd sub in the screenshots for an actual demo of the product if it were a live pitch. We're thinking of cutting down on the pictures in the problem part showing the investor, entrepreneurs, support agent,etc. in order to get to the product a lot faster.
-See my response below to TitleWave. I hate the organize + share information line we use, and want to find something that really evokes exactly what we do. There's a few ideas bouncing around. No lies, this part keeps me up at night.
-I sense the same problems, and that's why we make our pitches available publicly. This lets us get the feedback we need. We know we suck in certain areas, and want to get rid of that.
-Glad I came across enthusiastic. I'm passionate about the product we're building, and think it's going to change the way entrepreneurs work. We're product driven for sure. Would love to send you an invite when we're ready.
Thanks!
-jlb
The pitch has a number of problems.
It takes 20 seconds before you mention the problem that your product helps resolve, and then another 12 seconds before you start to define what that problem even is. Show rather than tell. You say it's a painful problem before stating the problem (it's also probably far too early in the pitch for any humorous photos). If it's painful, it will be apparent when you just describe the problem.. if not, you're not describing the problem properly. Second, it takes over two minutes for you to talk specifically about any feature of your product.
Describing your product as a "online social workspace that allows companies to better organize and share information by leveraging the connections around them" is Dilbert-esque, and it doesn't tell us anything concrete about what your product does.
I really want you to get to Startup and Foo Camps and think you are on to something good, but I really hope that when you do come face to face with investors, your pitch is concise, to the point, and really, really tight. I sense that the lack of these qualities can be the nail in the financing coffin unless your idea is extremely revolutionary.
On the plus side, you definitely come across as enthusiastic and knowledgeable in the pitch. Your voice is engaging.