We, are introverts.
Introverts can function in the real world, but only for short bursts at a time. We can make friends, go to parties, even be the life and soul of a party - but only for short bursts at a time, then you'll usually find us chilling out somewhere quiet, recharging our metaphorical batteries.
A lot of people confuse introversy with being shy or timid or other negative connotations, and they'd be incorrect.
There are many good articles on what being an introvert is and means. For example https://introvertspring.com/what-is-an-introvert/
You might be, but that's not the reason why real relationships "drain [you] of energy".
> The relationships you don't consider real often makes me happier. They're as meaningful to me as face to face relationships, but a lot less exhausting.
That's more than just being introverted.
That's not a value judgement, btw.
People are quite able to differentiate if they’re fearful if they’re under people or just exhausted.
I’ve no clue what you’re talking.
> Besides, the article doesn't describe any particular "illness".
Calling it illness might not have been the right term, but at least it’s some kind of personal development which has gone a bit into the wrong direction. And if that’s the reason why an introvert person isn’t going more out, isn’t going to meet more people, then there’s something wrong with the introvert person and perhaps this should then be changed with additional personal development, perhaps some kind of therapy.
If that’s not what you meant, then fine, otherwise that’s the reason why I’m a bit upset, because it puts introvert people into a light of wrongness, that something has to be changed in them.
I think you're making assumptions based on yourself and extrapolating. I don't really spend time around "very close friends". My closest friends are people I haven't seen for years, and I'm fine with that. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy spending time with them, because I do, and there are people I spend time thinking about regularly, but I just don't feel a need to go out of my way to see them - when it happens, it happens. And I'll need time to recharge afterwards, but that's ok.
> If you have balance in your life good but be careful of loneliness, we are social beings, even introverts.
While this is pretty much a truism, I think it exaggerates through omission. Yes, we should be wary of being lonely, and yes, we're all social beings, but that does not mean we have need for the same volume of social contact. I haven't felt lonely for decades, even when alone for extended periods of time. I don't see why I would - I don't know what it is like for someone to feel that kind of need for social contact. Again, it doesn't mean I don't like social contact now and again, but it takes very little of it to keep me happy and content.
That’s certainly not the case for myself. If I’m exhausted I need to be completely alone to recharge. Yes, being with close friends is a lot less taxing, but it still is not the same as recharging,
I have ADD and interacting with people is draining... I have to focus on the conversation and most people don't understand that sometimes they say something that gets my imagination going, which makes me lose my focus so I miss some parts of what they say. Until I notice it and zoom in on the conversation again. Which in turn makes me sometimes miss some crucial points. Even when they know I have ADD it still might upset them, even though I do my best. And that is just one example of what makes it hard for me to interact face to face. I prefer writing.
At my worst I even forget what I wanted to say mid sentence! Or I have to blurt it out and interrupt people...
Or is that in fact what you are saying? I suppose there are alternative explanations I haven't thought of either.
I'm saying it really doesn't matter to me if a relationship is "real" or online most of the time. All else being equal, it doesn't make much difference. But all else is rarely equal. I can't choose to have an online-only relationship with my son. And I do enjoy time face-to-face too, it just isn't sufficiently important enough to me that I tend to seek it out for my own sake very often. Sometimes - variety is good - but not often.
Before my son came about, I didn't feel a lack of anything when I was single and childless. I remember a year I spent my summer vacation holed up in my flat coding only going out to go to the shop where my interactions with staff was pretty much single words. That was the entirety of my "real" social contact for three weeks.
I remember that vacation fondly.
I also remember vacations that brought more social contact fondly.
The point being I can be happy with people in real life, but I can also be just as happy keeping things entirely online. I don't need that real-life interaction. Sometimes that real-life interaction is nice or even great, but that is different (online interactions can be equally great). And since those real-life interactions tends to be more draining, I prioritize them only with a very few people.
> Otherwise, the implication is that you would prefer online relationships over that with your partner and son, and you see your partner and son as simply obligations to which you do not wish to abdicate responsibility, presumably due to societal norms or something else.
You're conflating my general needs with what it takes to maintain specific relationships.
That I don't need to see people in real life to be happy, doesn't mean I don't realize that others do, and since I can be happy seeing people as much as I can be happy just talking to them online, I certainly will make time for people in real life when they are sufficiently important to me and I know it makes them happy. That's not out of obligation, but because I care about them, and I accept that not everyone can make do with as little social contact.
But it is still draining, and I still need time to recharge. Even with my son. It's worth it because it matters to him and I love him and want him to happy, just as you'll do all kinds of other things that you yourself don't need if it matters to those you love.
At the same time there are people I also care about that I have never seen face to face, or haven't seen in many years, but where I don't feel that face time with me is necessary for their happiness (the wording is deliberate - I'm not saying they wouldn't be happy to see me), and so it's not a priority for me to ensure we meet face to face unless they make it clear it matters to them even though I do care how they're doing.
This is the vast majority of the comments on 'hacker' 'news', including your own here.
> Not everyone is like you.
Non everyone is like you either. That's the problem with a social media site like this one where anectdata is king.
I did not question that things aren't that way for the person I responded to, which necessarily suggests I accept entirely that not everyone is like me.
I also explicitly said as much in my comment in the very first line by explicitly stating that I don't suggest their statements may be right for some people.
If anything, I expect from experience that I'm in a relatively small minority.
It took me years to realise that what made me unhappy was trying to maintain these 'real' relationships out of a similar belief that it was what I needed.
It's not that I can't enjoy relationships with people face to face. I do sometimes. But it takes a lot out of me. It drains me of energy. [sometimes that's worth it; sometimes it's not; sometimes it'd be worth it but I just don't have the energy.]
The relationships you don't consider real often makes me happier. They're as meaningful to me as face to face relationships, but a lot less exhausting.
The right balance for me is to be close in 'real' life with a partner and my son, and rely on my colleagues and the occasional other person for some limited other face to face contact (and a day or so a week is enough, thank you), and otherwise stick to myself in 'real' life and keep interactions largely online.
Even then I often I prefer total solitude, and I'm happier this way than I ever was spending time with people for the sake of trying to be someone I'm not.
Chasing 'Real relationships with actual, real people that you can see and touch and talk to' can be as soul sucking and damaging as locking yourself in if you're doing it just because you're made to think that's what you should be doing.
Not everyone is like you.