A SQL database, bash, and a Raspberry Pi in your closet all are managed too. They're built on top of software that's been battle-tested over decades to keep itself running. MySQL/Postgres/whatever will manage running multiple queries for you and keeping the data consistent as well as Dynamo will. bash will manage running multiple processes for you as well as Hadoop will. A Raspberry Pi with cron will manage starting a service for you every time it powers on as well as Lambda will. The reasons to use Dynamo/Hadoop/Lambda are when you've got different problems from the ones that MySQL/bash/cron solve.

If you don't believe that this counts as "managed," then for all your words at the end, you believe at the end of the day that making a solution more complex so that failures are expected and humans are required is superior to doing a simple and all-in-code thing. For all that you claim to not like operations, you think that a system requiring operational work makes it better. You are living the philosophy of the sysadmins who run everything out of .bash_history and Perl in their homedir and think "infrastructure as code" is a fad.