I am very afraid of police, become anxious in any federal building, and I am nervous at airports and their security setups.
My brother and I were forced to grow up early, given we could be accosted by police at any time for any reason.
The first time I had a rear headlight out and was stopped by the police, I was put in handcuffs and placed in the back seat of the police car. There was absolutely no reason whatsoever for this precaution.
When I go to my hometown, I go back to feelings of isolation and loneliness, and where I was never invited to parties, and spent entire summers alone at the library.
The funny thing is I can completely relate. I had to cut off my father's family from my life to escape; all police make me nervous as I think they will arrest me; every interaction I have with non-best-of-friends is "fuck you, I'm getting mine".
I'm not sure how many generations it takes to escape the mentality, but I'm hoping my sons aren't the same way.
I am a felon and I live in Washington State, it really doesn't effect me much at all. When I lived in California, same thing, it never came up and didn't seem to matter. Texas on the other hand really works hard to keep you down once youve made a mistake... it was hard to find work, housing, etc.
Congrats on beating the system.
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal...
My parents abandoned me at a young age and I feel a lot of the same feelings.
Congrats on your success and best of luck to you in the future.
It's funny someone with a long legal history still sweat near authority. Personal anecdote, I lifted some school furnitures (laughably sad project) with a friend and got busted. Couldn't get into any store that had detectors without going full paranoia (what if someone drops an item in my pocket before I leave..). Lasted 3 years.
Now I'm 35, moved away from my troubled youth, and have made millions of dollars building startups.
A few points:
- To this day, I am terrified to speak to police or any authority figures. I sweat every time I pass through passport control when my wife and I go to Europe every summer.
- I can't break my "guarded" way of thinking, that everyone is out to get me, that I need to take what I can when I have the chance because the chance won't come around again. I am never relaxed.
- I have a 4 year old and not a day goes by that I don't spend working with him to provide things I never had. The fact that I can afford to send him to piano lessons or that we can afford to live in the "rich" part of town makes me emotional.
- I lost every part of my childhood. My parents are ghosts and my friends from then are long sense forgotten. Some people go back to their home town to feel nostalgic, but all I do is feel anger. I am angry every day.
- Many people are afraid to take risks for their careers, but as an ex-convict who spent over a year as a homeless person, I feel no fear. Moving across the country when I have no money, sleeping at my desk to launch a product due the next day, giving a speech in front of 1000 people, or aggressively gunning for a better company is nothing compared to begging someone for their half eaten sandwich. That's true fear.
Even the ones who escape a criminal family never really escape.