Re:People Like You More Than You Know
by canadapups on Thursday September 20, 2018 @10:25PM
(#18036787)
The article title “people like you more than you know” might actually apply to you... From reading your past couple comments you might be perceiving that people are always trying to one-up you when that may not be their intention.
Re:People Like You More Than You Know
by sooheon on Thursday September 20, 2018 @10:15PM
(#18036759)
Yep, humans are imperfectly evolved game-theoretic machines, and all of these petty signals are incredibly important.
Re:People Like You More Than You Know
by emmelaich on Friday September 21, 2018 @11:35PM
(#18044310)
FWIW, Doreen you are one of the most level headed and sensible commenters on HN.
You mention your son getting negative social reactions from people -- I don't know how old is is currently, but he may grow out of that in time. I personally started getting much more positive reactions from people in my mid to late 20s, after lots and lots of social practice.
I agree with all your statements above, though. I think evolution has left us with some social behaviors that can be very frustrating.
Pecking order nonsense.
People who are big believers in pecking order see you as "beneath" them if you compliment them. They then feel owed and like you are permanently required to kowtow to them and aren't allowed to quit.
Prosody and tone matching.
My son probably is incapable of these two things. He gets very negative social reactions from people all the time. Tone matching signals pecking order at a subconscious level. People aren't consciously aware of it.
I apparently tone match by default, which gets me read as deferential and servile. It works quite well when dealing with, for example, wait staff who routinely get mistreated. I get excellent service anywhere that I am a regular.
But people who do not perceive themselves as "below" me conclude I'm a doormat and they can wipe their boots on me.
Value signaling.
People get this idea that they are irreplaceable and I am being so nice because they are so incredibly amazingly rare and wonderful. I have found it works vastly better for me to be kind of indifferent and make sure they realize "there can be another you in a minute." Which annoys the fool out of me.