It wouldn't be terribly hard to write a wrapper for the command itself that works the way you want it to. As simple as it seems, I think that would probably be something useful to create and release.
How would you do "esc :q" if you were using vim inside tmux? :)
tmux's defaults are pretty much universally thought of as awful. Change ctrl-b fo ctrl-a and find some plugins that you like. Also, consider swapping Ctrl and capslock!
My conf: https://github.com/red-bin/dotfiles/blob/master/tmux.conf
Screen also has some much better defaults.
I don't know why you would say -s shouldn't be required. Are you suggesting that "tmux new -sname command" should be something like "tmux new -ccommand name" instead?
The intent of -t is that it works much the same for all commands.
Of course you need to read the manual for anything more than the very basics, but tmux is hardly unique in that. Vim is hardly intuitive in any way.
I'm afraid I don't understand your point. What is the issue with detach? You want an non controlled escape key press to be your command trigger? How does that make any sense?
ssh -> tmux -> start something -> ctrl-b d -> logout
and maybe later:
ssh -> tmux a
to check the status.
I found it quite handy, then I discovered Emacs :-) We could stay on the subject for years I reckon.