My "mask" is more me playing a character who doesn't have these issues, who understands social cues better and is able to respond in a more socially acceptable way. It's a logical step change in my mind, but ultimately a draining one. After too long, I just need to be left alone for a few hours to recharge.
> I'm curious about your "mask" statement. I have that same feeling, and experience with alcohol.
Same, but I still drink a lot. It helps clear my mind. It's really apparent when two distinct groups of friends meet and the masks that I used for each set (which tend to be different) need to be reconciled. That can be uncomfortable.
> Do you ever imagine yourself to be a robot?
Oh hell yes, when I was younger (I'm nearly 40 now) especially. I desperately wanted to be a robot. Now, I mostly just love robots, and have built them (https://sendcat.com/dl/LcVKl5kWv6LJZEYusgVq9bLoieURiffZX7cKa...).
> Or do you memorize and rehearse things to say in social situations?
Kinda, but not in the "rehearsing a talk" sort of way. I do pick things that I've heard and apply them in other similar social situations though.
> I often feel like I am operating a virtual machine at social gatherings.
I've had that feeling, also that it feels like a game at times. Interestingly it feels like I'm creating a neural network of how what to do and say, but not the one in my brain, one of my own making.
> I tunnel in and give myself commands to operate like a normal human being, but I take absolutely no pleasure from the social interactions.
I think at this point playing the game has become almost transparent to me, it turns out I'm pretty good at it. I've developed a set of behaviours that work in most situations I find myself in (user groups (talks, the bar after), conferences, weddings, etc. etc.) and I do enjoy the friends I've made at the local Ruby and Go groups.
I do still have to force myself to do certain things though. Ask about people etc. Switch the conversation from what I want to talk about to them.
> I also get EXTREMELY tired, very quickly, even though I am able to function for a brief period at a fairly high level.
Social situations tire me too, though I can definitely manage full conference days or weeks of company meetup if I push myself. Towards the end I'll just spend hours by myself recharging, put on a smile and throw myself out there again.
It's tiring, but ultimately rewarding. I've made friends, I've had good jobs etc.
Do you ever imagine yourself to be a robot? Or do you memorize and rehearse things to say in social situations?
I often feel like I am operating a virtual machine at social gatherings. I tunnel in and give myself commands to operate like a normal human being, but I take absolutely no pleasure from the social interactions. I also get EXTREMELY tired, very quickly, even though I am able to function for a brief period at a fairly high level.